How to have difficult conversations: 11 tips that can help

Personal GrowthRelationships

Aug 7

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

When you need to have a difficult conversation, it can be hard to know where to start. These 11 tips will help you speak up without blowing up or backing down.

There are few things in life that can make your stomach drop and your hands shake quite like the lead up to a difficult conversation. You know the ones.

Bringing up that your partner hurt your feelings can make you feel vulnerable, and sharing with your boss that their tone can read as condescending can be risky. But tough talks are necessary. They break tension, deepen connections, and ultimately help you feel more understood.

Unfortunately, the fact that they’re helpful doesn’t necessarily make them any easier to start. So, if you’re ready to stop avoiding that hard conversation, here’s what you need to know so you can stop walking on eggshells and step into your power.

What makes a conversation “difficult”?

A conversation becomes difficult when there’s something vulnerable at stake. That might mean telling a friend they hurt your feelings, asking for a change at work, or saying no when you usually say yes. These sorts of talks can be tricky because they typically involve emotional and social risk.

It’s also easy to sense when a conversation will be tough, and this tension can lead you to second-guess yourself or put the conversation off. Unfortunately, this can then make these moments feel even louder and more anxiety-inducing before you dive in.

We won’t sugar-coat it; it’s really hard to talk to someone about a sticky subject if you care about the person or the outcome. It’s even more difficult if there’s power or hierarchy involved, or if you anticipate conflict.

5 reasons it can be worth having a difficult conversation

If you’ve been dreading a tough conversation, it means that the person or subject matter to you, and your nervous system knows it. The parts of life that mean the most are never easy, but taking a courageous deep breath and asking to talk gets easier the more you practice.

Here are five reasons why it might be worth having that hard talk:

It clears emotional clutter: Avoided conversations typically build up. They morph into tension and passive-aggressive comments, so naming what’s true, even clumsily, can be a huge relief.
It opens the door to deeper trust: Connection is built on honesty, repair, and the ability to work through discomfort together. When handled with care, tough talks can strengthen a relationship.
It makes space for your needs: You’re allowed to speak up when something isn’t working. Difficult talks are often the gateway to reclaiming your boundaries and honoring your voice.
It can disrupt unhealthy patterns: Sometimes, the hardest talks are the ones that shift old dynamics. When you speak up, you challenge the roles you’ve been cast in.
It supports your mental and physical health: Chronic stress from unresolved tension can weigh on your mood and impact your whole system. When you name what’s real, you release some of that pressure.

It’s important to note that not every conversation will go as you hope. But giving yourself the chance to express what’s true, with respect and intention, is a powerful form of self-care. Even if the other person doesn’t change, you will, because you showed up for yourself.

What to say (and not say) in difficult conversations

When a conversation feels loaded, finding the right words can sometimes feel impossible. Make your goal to move toward clarity and mutual understanding. Speak from the “I” and name your feelings, your needs, and your experience. Then let the other person respond with theirs.

Having a few go-to phrases (and ones you avoid) in your pocket can help you express your truth while communicating with care.

What to say:

“Something has been on my mind, and I’d like to talk it through with you.”
“When [this thing] happened, I felt [this way].”
“I want to be honest about where I’m coming from, and I’d love to hear your perspective too.”
“Can we have a talk about something that’s been weighing on me?”
“I know this might be uncomfortable, but I care about our relationship, so I’d like to talk about it with you.”

What not to say:

“You always…” or “You never,” should be avoided, as sweeping generalizations can shut down nuance and put people in defensive mode.
“If you really cared about me, you would,” isn’t the best way to start a conversation, as this kind of emotional ultimatum rarely lands well.
“I’m done talking about it,” or other forms of shutting the door before the conversation has even begun can prevent resolution.
“This is just how I am, so deal with it,” may feel like an honest thing to say at the moment, but it often blocks meaningful connection and accountability.

How to have a difficult conversation: 11 tips for tough convos

Now that we all agree that difficult conversations are indeed difficult, let’s explore some ways you can have them more easily. We probably can’t stop your heart from racing or your palms from sweating, but we can give you some tools that may help you move through these chats with a little more steadiness and self-respect.

Here are 11 tips that can be a guiding light during tough chats.

1. Get clear on your “why”

Before you say anything, take a minute to ask yourself, “What do I need from this conversation?” Knowing your goal can help you stay grounded if things get messy.

If you’re not sure what you want or need from the exchange, try journaling first to get a little more clarity on what matters most to you.

2. Regulate your nervous system before you dive in

Hard conversations are often physical before they’re verbal. You could feel tense, jittery, shut down, or wired.

To ground yourself ahead of time, take a few deep breaths, stretch your body, or take a walk. It’s also okay to wait until your heart rate slows and your thoughts feel calmer. There’s no need to have a tough talk before you’re ready.

3. Choose a time and place that supports safety

Environment matters, so avoid launching into something serious when you or the other person is distracted, tired, or rushing out the door.

Choose a setting where you won’t be interrupted, and ask if it’s a good time. You could say, “I’d like to talk about something important. Can we sit down later when we’re both more available?”

4. Lead with vulnerability

Remember to begin with your own experience. You might say, “I’ve been feeling dismissed when I share my feelings, and I wanted to talk about that.”

Naming your feelings with “I” statements is powerful, and it helps shift the tone from attacking the person you’re talking with to inviting them to collaborate.

💙 Practice leaning into your feelings so you can show up authentically with guidance from Jay Shetty’s guided meditation on Vulnerability.

5. Be direct and compassionate

Tone and intention matter. So, be honest, but do it with care and kindness.

You could say something like, “This might be hard to hear, and I’m nervous to bring it up, but I think it’s important.” This type of clear statement helps create room for mutual respect and openness.

6. Stick to the present issue at hand

It can be tempting to bring out a whole highlight reel of past frustrations, but this usually derails the conversation. Stay focused on the current issue at hand and only that issue.

If you do need to reference a pattern, do it calmly. You could say, “I’ve noticed this has come up a few times, and I’d like to understand it better.”

7. Expect some discomfort (and try to embrace it)

Hard conversations are uncomfortable, and we’d all like to avoid them, but tackling them head-on means that you’re being brave. If you or the other person gets shaky or emotional, take pauses to reset.

You could also say something like, “This is tough for me to say,” or “I want to make sure I’m understanding you” to be fully transparent about where you are during the conversation. If all else fails, ask if you can take five minutes to cool down and then come back together to talk more.

8. Use silence wisely

After you say something important, leave space. Then let the other person respond, even if it takes a beat.

Silence can feel awkward, but it’s where reflection and processing happen. So, as much as you can, resist the urge to explain, justify, or backtrack. State what’s on your mind, and let it be. You don’t need to bulldoze the other person into agreeing with you or apologizing. Let them come to those conclusions on their own.

9. Know when to end the conversation

If voices get raised or someone is clearly dysregulated, it’s okay to take a break. You can say something like, “This matters, but I think we need to step back and revisit it later.” Walking away to cool off shows emotional intelligence and maturity.

Once you’re both in a better headspace, revisit the conversation. This could be a few minutes or a few days. Each situation is different and unique, so be open. At the end of the day, the most important elements are sharing your feelings and keeping those you care about close to you.

💙 Take a minute to calm your nerves and center your emotions with Chibs Okereke’s Breathe to Calm Down.

10. Follow up after you chat

Check in afterward. Repair and reflection are just as important as what was said in the moment. It also shows that the relationship matters more than being right.

Maybe this means reaching out a few days later, saying something like, “Thank you for letting me share my feelings and talking it through with me. I really appreciated your perspective and your care.”

11. Don’t go it alone

Talking to a therapist or trusted friend before your talk can help you clarify what you want to say and why it matters. Sometimes rehearsing the words out loud can calm your nerves and bring surprising insight.

Reach out to someone who can listen without jumping to solutions or judgment. Having a support system helps make you feel a little less alone, and it’s another way to show up for yourself.

Difficult conversations FAQs

What are some examples of difficult conversations?

There are many different kinds, but some common examples are asking for a raise at work, setting a boundary with a friend or partner, and giving tough feedback.

Ending a relationship, speaking up when someone’s behavior is hurtful or inappropriate, and admitting when you made a mistake are some other difficult but necessary conversations you may need to have at times.

How do I start a difficult conversation?

Focus on finding a small opening that invites safety and clarity. You could do this by saying something like, “There’s something on my mind I’d like to talk about. Is now a good time?”

If you’re feeling nervous, consider mentioning it. That kind of vulnerability can help set a collaborative tone. You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling anxious about bringing this up, but I care about our relationship and want to be honest.”

What should I avoid saying during a tough talk?

A good thing to avoid is absolutes like “you always” or “you never.” These statements tend to shut people down and escalate defensiveness. Another good rule of thumb is to steer clear of name-calling, threats, and sarcastic digs.

Instead, focus on specific moments and how they made you feel. You’re much more likely to be heard if your words focus on your experience rather than trying to control or corner the other person.

Why do I get so anxious before difficult conversations?

It’s common to get anxious ahead of time because your brain is trying to protect you from perceived danger. Often, tough conversations can trigger the fight-flight-freeze response, especially if past experiences have taught you that honesty leads to conflict or rejection.

In moments like this, remind yourself that anxiety is just a cue that something feels vulnerable. To bring yourself back to balance, rehearse what you want to say ahead of time or practice calming techniques like breathwork or tapping. These exercises can help you move through tough moments with more self-compassion.

Can a difficult conversation actually make things better?

A difficult conversation can make things better. This doesn’t mean every tough talk will end happily, but even imperfect talks can create more clarity, alignment, and emotional release.

Plus, when they’re done with care, difficult conversations can build trust, shift long-standing dynamics, and even open space for healing and repair.

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Calm Editorial Team