Struggling with defensiveness? 9 ways to let down your guard
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
When we feel attacked, we get defensive — but that’s only part of the story. Understand what’s beneath defensiveness, how it impacts relationships, and 9 ways to soften.
If you’ve ever been in a tough conversation or a fight and feel your defenses rising, you’re not alone. Defensive behavior is often automatic, showing up before we even realize it’s happening. It can look like snapping back at someone, shutting down emotionally, or feeling a need to offer a long explanation when someone shares a concern.
While you might hate feeling yourself become defensive, the truth is that it’s simply a self-protective reaction to a perceived threat. But when it comes to connecting with others, defensiveness does you very few favors. It might “protect” you, but it also pushes people away. And this perfectly natural reaction almost always leads to the same issue: disconnection.
Let’s explore why we feel defensive during conflict, how to cope with tough feelings, and a few ways to find calmer footing during difficult conversations.
What is defensiveness?
Defensiveness is your brain’s built-in bodyguard. It shows up when you feel emotionally cornered — ready to protect, deflect, or help you disappear. Usually, underneath this reaction is some kind of pain or trauma, so instead of admitting you’re overwhelmed or misunderstood, you explain, blame, or shut down.
This happens because vulnerability can feel risky. And in order to feel safe, you may have learned to swap out softness for strategy.
There are many causes of defensiveness. For some people, it’s about past experiences where being wrong meant being punished or rejected. For others, it could stem from perfectionistic tendencies, shame, or even a deep fear of disappointing someone they love.
Being defensive can sound like a clapback, like, “Well, you’re being critical.” It can also look like avoiding someone after a hard conversation, or shutting down emotionally.
5 signs you’re getting defensive
Sometimes defensiveness is hard to point out. It’s sneaky — and it shows up in a variety of different ways. Here are five to look out for:
You jump into explaining mode before they’re done talking. Instead of actively listening, you’re mid-sentence, defending your intentions.
You defend your position. Mid-conversation, you’re mentally shouting, “That’s not what happened.” Your brain’s in the courtroom, building its case, and you’re ready to launch as soon as it’s your turn to talk.
You flip the script. Someone shares their feelings, and suddenly it’s a “them problem” and you had nothing to do with it.
Your body’s on lockdown. Your arms are crossed, and your jaw is clenched. You’re emotionally peacing out without even saying a word.
Neutral feedback hits like an attack. A casual request feels like a personal indictment, and shame floods in fast.
Why am I so defensive? 5 common causes
If you find yourself getting defensive during conflict or communication, be gentle with yourself. This doesn’t mean you’re bad or broken; it just means you’re human. You’re a person with a nervous system that’s been shaped by past experiences and relationships.
Here are five common reasons why you might’ve developed this coping mechanism.
1. You grew up around criticism
You might’ve learned in your childhood that being wrong meant that you weren’t worthy. This could have taught you that feedback doesn’t feel like information — it feels like an attack.
2. You’re secretly afraid of not being good enough
Deep down, a lot of us are carrying stories that say things like “I have to be perfect to be loved.” So when someone points out something we did wrong, this taps into that fear. Defensiveness then swoops in to protect you from feeling like you’re failing.
3. You never really learned how to sit with discomfort
Our culture has trained us to fix, explain, and distract. Conflicts are inherently uncomfortable, and if you weren’t taught how to stay present in hard conversations, your nervous system might then treat even a calm “Can we talk?” like a five-alarm fire.
4. You’ve been blamed before, and it hurt
If you were the scapegoat in a past relationship or constantly blamed for things out of your control, you might’ve developed a big radar for “Whose fault is it? Because it’s not mine.”
5. You just want to be seen accurately
When someone assigns meanings to your actions that don’t match your intentions, it can make you feel misrepresented. It’s hard to be misunderstood, especially when you’re already doing your best.
What’s the impact of defensiveness on relationships?
No matter how much you love someone, defensiveness creates emotional distance. It hijacks conversations and turns them into competitions. Here’s how it can impact your relationships:
Conflicts escalate instead of getting resolved. A small “Hey, I felt hurt when…” becomes a big, “Well maybe if you didn’t—”. And now you’re fighting about how you’re fighting.
Vulnerability becomes dangerous territory. If every “Can I share something with you?” is met with defensiveness, eventually people stop sharing.
Connection erodes. Whenever someone feels unheard or dismissed, a little emotional brick gets between you. Over time, this builds into a wall.
Resentment builds If someone can’t bring things up without you getting defensive, they might start keeping score.
You stop being a safe space for each other. Relationships thrive on emotional safety. When defensiveness becomes the default, it tells the people we love, “Your needs are a threat to my ego.”
How to be less defensive: 9 tips to let your guard down
Being less defensive is about staying present without putting your armor up whenever things get hard. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. But thankfully, there are manageable ways you can put that armor down, one piece of metal at a time. Here’s how.
1. Pause before responding — even five seconds helps
When defensiveness strikes, your nervous system usually goes into fight-or-flight mode. To help keep you present, pause for five seconds or one breath. This can create enough space to shift you out of autopilot.
You could even say out loud: “Give me a second to take that in.” This buys you time and models emotional maturity — even if you’re spiraling. (Here are five tips to slow down if you tend to react instead of respond.)
2. Name what you’re feeling
Bringing awareness to what’s happening in your body can short-circuit your defensiveness. It also invites the other person into your experience.
Try saying something like:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
“That landed hard.”
“I can feel myself getting defensive.”
3. Get curious instead of countering
Curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness. It shifts the energy from “I need to win” to “I want to understand.” Instead of immediately explaining why you’re right, consider asking a few follow-up questions.
Try something like:
“Can you tell me more about how that felt for you?”
“What did you need from me in that moment?”
💙 Shift your energy by listening to this session on Curiosity with Tamara Levitt
4. Remind yourself: being wrong isn’t being bad
Somewhere along the line, many of us learned that being wrong was shameful. But you’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to forget something, speak harshly, or miss a cue and still be a good human. Messing up doesn’t mean you’re unworthy — it means you’re real.
When shame starts creeping in, try this mantra: “I can be responsible without being ruined.”
5. Practice reflective listening
Repeat back what you heard. You don’t need to do it word-for-word, but try to do it in your own words. This sounds simple, but it’s powerful. It tells the other person, “I’m trying to hear you, even if I don’t agree.” It also slows down the conversation and gives your brain a second to catch up.
You could say something like: “So what I’m hearing is that you felt dismissed when I changed the subject. Is that right?”
(Here are 8 other active listening techniques that can help your communication.)
6. Notice your body’s “defensiveness tells”
Defensiveness lives in your body. It could be a clenched jaw, a racing heart, or your hands balling into fists. Get familiar with your own tells so you can catch them earlier.
Sometimes, just unclenching your fists or softening your shoulders is enough to remind your brain that you’re safe and you don’t need to attack.
💙 Notice your body a little bit more by listening to this Body Scan meditation with Tamara Levitt.
7. Use a self-soothing technique mid-convo
When the heat starts rising, grounding actions can send a signal to your nervous system to stay present.
Try a few grounding techniques like:
Pressing your feet into the floor.
Taking a subtle deep breath.
Placing a hand on your chest or stomach.
(Here are 18 other grounding techniques that can bring you back to the present moment.)
8. Debrief later
If you reacted defensively, circle back. Even a quick repair like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our talk earlier. I was feeling really reactive, and I want to try again,” can go a long way. Relationships don’t require perfection — they require repair.
Own your part and stay open to hearing more. This kind of repair builds trust and helps retrain your response patterns.
9. Practice in safe places first
If your relationships feel too charged to start experimenting, that’s okay. Practice softening your defenses in lower-stakes interactions.
You could try validating a coworker’s feedback instead of jumping to explain. You could also let a friend vent without offering advice. Reps like this matter and help build your capacity.
Defensiveness FAQs
What is the root cause of defensiveness?
Defensiveness at its core is about fear. The fear of being hurt, misunderstood, rejected, or judged. It’s your nervous system’s way of stepping in to protect you. This reaction is usually rooted in earlier life experiences.
You might’ve grown up in a home where criticism felt like an attack, or you might’ve been in relationships where vulnerability didn’t feel safe. If you’ve learned to associate feedback with pain, even gentle conversations can feel scary and overwhelming.
When we start seeing defensiveness as a form of self-protection, we can start meeting it with curiosity instead of shame.
What’s the difference between setting boundaries and being defensive?
This is an important distinction. Boundaries are about protecting your energy and values with clarity and calm. On the other hand, defensiveness is about protecting your ego from perceived threats.
Boundaries sound like, “I can’t continue this talk right now, let’s take a break.” Defensiveness sounds like, “Whatever, you’ll just blame me anyways.”
Boundaries open the door to more connection by honoring your limits, whereas defensiveness usually shuts it down.
Are there different types of defensiveness?
There are different types of defensiveness. Here are a few different ways it can show up:
Active defensiveness: Interrupting, justifying, or flipping the script.
Passive defensiveness: Withdrawing, shutting down, or giving the silent treatment.
Covert defensiveness: Sarcasm, vague deflection, or acting overly relaxed to mask hurt feelings.
With all of these styles, the common theme is a desire to feel safe in a moment that feels emotionally risky.
How do I talk to someone else who is being defensive?
A good way to broach someone else’s defensiveness is to approach it with softness. Usually, if they sense you’re trying to “fix” them, their defenses will go up.
Using “I” statements that focus on how you feel can really help. You could say: “I feel shut out when I try to share something important, and the conversation quickly shifts to your perspective.”
Also, stay curious and not combative. You could gently name what you’re noticing by saying: “It feels like you’re getting defensive — Do you want to take a breath and come back to this?” Compassion can really help them let their guard down.
Is defensiveness ever healthy?
In small doses, being defensive can be healthy. Defensiveness signals to your body that something feels off or threatening. It alerts you to protect your boundaries, your energy, or your emotional safety. The key is whether it’s a conscious choice or an automatic reflex.
If you’re defending a deeply held value or protecting yourself from toxic behavior, that’s discernment. But if you’re being defensive in every tough talk, it’s probably doing you more harm than good. In that case, it might be time to reassess.
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