Are you dealing with a pathological liar? Here’s how to tell
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
If someone in your life seems incapable of telling the truth, they may be a pathological liar. Here are the signs and causes of pathological lying, along with 9 tips to help you cope.
Wanting transparency in relationships is normal. So when someone close to you keeps omitting the truth or changing their story, it can be really destabilizing. You may start questioning your own memory, wondering what actually happened, or feeling unsure about what's real.
Pathological lying is a long-term pattern of distorting the truth, even when honesty could be simpler. It often shows up in close relationships, where it can slowly erode trust and emotional safety. This kind of dishonesty isn’t the same as the occasional white lie or exaggeration that most people can slip into. It's persistent, and it tends to put relationships in jeopardy.
Learning a bit more about this kind of behavior can help you protect yourself. We'll cover the signs, possible causes, plus a few ways to cope when someone in your life has a complicated relationship with the truth.
What is a pathological liar?
A pathological liar is someone who lies regularly, sometimes without a clear reason or benefit. These lies may feel like second nature to them, and may range from small half-truths to more detailed and dramatic falsehoods.
The term usually refers to a long-term behavior, not just occasional dishonesty. In many cases, the person continues to lie even when part of them knows that being honest would be easier or safer.
Researchers sometimes use the term pseudologia fantastica to describe this pattern. It involves telling exaggerated or made-up stories that may blend truth with fiction.
Some common signs include:
Lying that feels automatic
Stories that shift under pressure
Dishonesty, even when there’s nothing to gain
Pathological lying isn’t a formal diagnosis on its own, but it can appear alongside certain personality traits or mental health conditions.
What causes pathological lying?
There’s no single reason why someone develops this pattern of behavior. But researchers suggest it may stem from a mix of personality traits, life experiences, and even differences in how their brains process impulses and emotions. These factors don’t excuse harm, but they can help explain how the behavior forms.
Some possible causes include:
Personality traits or mental health conditions: Pathological lying can appear alongside traits such as narcissism, antisocial, or borderline personality patterns. In these cases, lying may help protect self-image or avoid difficult feelings like shame.
Childhood experiences: If honesty once led to punishment, conflict, or embarrassment, lying may have felt safer. As children grow up, this response can become a habit.
Low self-esteem: Some people fabricate or exaggerate stories to feel more confident or accepted. It can help them present a version of themselves they wish felt true.
Impulse control differences: Some research suggests that impulse control differences may play a role, making it harder to pause before speaking. The lie may come out quickly, before the person can fully think it through.
What are the signs of pathological lying?
Telling a lie here and there doesn’t mean someone is a pathological liar. The difference often comes down to consistency and how the behaviors show up.
Common signs include:
Lying about both small and important things
Details that don’t line up across conversations
Stories that become more dramatic when questioned
Continuing to deny or adjust facts when challenged
Becoming defensive or redirecting blame
Often taking on roles like the hero, victim, or expert
People around them may start to notice gaps between what’s said and what actually happens.
Related read: 10 biggest red flags in relationships (and what to do about them)
How does pathological lying affect relationships?
Pathological lying can place steady pressure on a relationship as partners, friends, and family members begin to feel off balance.
Conversations can feel unclear, and it may become harder to rely on what’s being said or promised. In short, the person in question becomes unreliable and untrustworthy, which creates distance.
Over time, several challenges in relationships can occur:
Loss of trust: When details keep shifting, or you’re being gaslit, it becomes harder to rely on what the other person says or feel safe with them.
Emotional exhaustion: Trying to make sense of slippery truths can feel draining, especially when clarity never quite comes.
Self-doubt: Repeated contradictions can make someone question their own memory or judgment.
Conflict and distance: Tension can grow when one person seeks clarity while the other avoids it, creating distance in the relationship.
How to deal with a pathological liar: 9 tips to cope
You can’t control whether someone stops lying, but you can control how you protect your emotional safety and peace of mind. These tips focus on reducing confusion, setting clear boundaries, and protecting your sense of reality when dealing with a pathological liar, especially in close relationships.
1. Pay attention to patterns
A single lie can happen in almost any relationship, especially when emotions run high. Stress, fear, or embarrassment can lead someone to bend the truth once in a while, but when it’s all the time, that’s a big problem. Instead of trying to catch every lie and make sense of it, step back and look at the bigger pattern.
Someone may give different reasons for missing work, or their stories about past events may change depending on who they are talking to. Looking at the pattern can help you decide how much trust feels safe in the relationship.
Read more: How to be honest with yourself (and why it matters so much)
2. Protect your sense of reality
Frequent lying can create confusion and a lack of stability. If someone often denies statements they said before or changes their story, it can make others question their own memory.
Try this:
Write down important conversations or agreements
Save messages that confirm plans or details
Talk through confusing events with a trusted friend or therapist
3. Avoid getting pulled into endless fact-checking
Many people respond to lying by trying to prove the truth. The search for evidence, or the effort to point out mistakes, can wipe you out. With pathological lying, the story may simply change again, or the conversation may turn into an argument, so avoid getting pulled into debate.
Try saying:
“I’m feeling confused because the details keep changing. I need consistency to feel comfortable.”
This approach shifts the conversation away from proving facts and toward how the behavior affects the relationship.
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4. Set clear and realistic boundaries
Boundaries help protect your time, trust, and emotional energy. They also reduce repeated cycles of disappointment.
Try saying:
“I need honesty in conversations about finances.”
“If plans change, I need to hear the truth about why.”
“If stories keep shifting, I’m going to step away from the conversation.”
When boundaries are maintained in a calm, steady way, they can bring more stability to a situation that feels unpredictable. They also let the person know that they cannot push you beyond your limits without emotional repercussions.
Related read: How to set healthy boundaries in relationships
💙 New to setting limits with people you care about? Explore Calm’s Boundaries session with Tamara Levitt.
5. Choose calm conversations instead of confrontations
Direct accusations often lead to defensiveness. This is especially true if the person already feels embarrassed or ashamed of themselves.
A calmer approach can make conversations more productive. So, instead of calling someone a liar, describe what you have noticed.
Try saying:
“I’ve noticed the story about last week has changed a few times. That makes it hard for me to understand what really happened.”
This type of language focuses on behavior rather than attacking the person. Even so, calm conversations don’t always lead to change. Sometimes they simply help you see the situation more clearly.
Related read: How to have difficult conversations: 11 tips that can help
💙 Practice Kind Communication in the meditation on Calm to find words that keep the conversation open rather than shutting it down.
6. Limit how much sensitive information you share
When lying becomes a pattern, trust naturally erodes. It may help to be more careful about what you share, especially if the person weaponizes or diminishes your struggles. You might avoid sharing personal struggles, financial details, or private information if the person has a history of exaggerating or misrepresenting things.
Trust can grow again through consistent behavior. Until then, small limits around personal information can help protect your emotional well-being.
7. Encourage professional support if the person is open to it
Chronic lying often has deeper emotional roots, and therapy can help someone explore the reasons behind the behavior, such as insecurity, shame, or long-term coping habits.
A therapist may help the person work on:
Impulse control
Emotional regulation
Building healthier communication habits
Addressing underlying mental health concerns
Encouragement can help, but the choice has to come from the person themselves. Real change usually requires a willingness to reflect and work on the behavior — you cannot love a person into changing.
8. Strengthen your own support system
Relationships affected by pathological lying can feel isolating and daunting at the same time. Some people hesitate to talk about the situation because they worry others will not believe them, or because they’re not ready to leave and know their friends or family will ask them about it.
When you’re ready to discuss it, support from trusted people can help restore balance. Friends, family members, or a counselor can offer perspective and emotional support when things feel confusing.
9. Revisit your needs in the relationship
Trust is a core part of any relationship. When lying becomes ongoing, it’s reasonable to think about whether your emotional needs are being met.
This doesn’t automatically mean ending the relationship. It may mean adjusting expectations, strengthening boundaries, or changing how much energy you invest.
Try asking yourself:
Do I feel emotionally safe in this relationship?
Is honesty improving over time?
What do I need in order to maintain trust?
Clear answers to these questions can help guide your next steps. Protecting your well-being is an important part of any healthy relationship. If the person in question refuses to change or won’t hold themselves accountable, it’s always okay to leave the relationship and take care of yourself.
Related read: 11 relationship goals to help you build a healthy partnership
Pathological liar FAQs
What causes a person to be a compulsive or pathological liar?
There’s rarely one clear cause of pathological lying. Experts believe it usually develops from a mix of personality traits, life experiences, and learned coping habits. Some people begin lying often to avoid punishment, gain attention, or protect their self-image.
Over time, the behavior can become automatic. Pathological lying may also appear alongside certain mental health conditions or personality traits, where exaggeration or distortion helps someone deal with feelings like insecurity, shame, or fear of rejection.
How do you deal with a pathological liar in a relationship?
Dealing with a pathological liar in a relationship often means focusing on boundaries and emotional clarity instead of trying to control the other person’s behavior. Notice patterns of dishonesty, avoid arguing about every lie, and explain how the behavior affects trust in the relationship.
Clear expectations around honesty can also help, along with deciding what you will do if those expectations aren’t met. Support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can provide a better perspective when the situation starts to feel confusing or emotionally draining.
Can a pathological liar change?
Yes, change is possible, especially with personal effort and professional support. But it can take time and may not happen in every case.
Chronic lying is often tied to deeper emotional patterns, such as insecurity, shame, or coping habits learned earlier in life. Therapy can help someone recognize these patterns and practice more honest ways of communicating.
Is pathological lying the same as compulsive lying?
The terms pathological lying and compulsive lying are often used in the same way, though some experts describe a small difference. Compulsive lying usually refers to frequent lying that happens out of habit or impulse.
Pathological lying may involve more detailed or dramatic stories that serve a psychological need, such as gaining attention, sympathy, or admiration. In everyday use, however, both terms generally describe a pattern of repeated, hard-to-control dishonesty.
Should I confront a pathological liar?
Confronting a pathological liar can sometimes increase tension, especially if the person feels embarrassed or defensive. A calmer approach often works better. Instead of trying to prove the lie, it can help to explain how the behavior affects trust and emotional safety in the relationship.
Speaking from your own experience may reduce defensiveness. Even so, confrontation doesn’t always lead to change, which is why boundaries and outside support can be important for protecting your well-being.
Related read: How to speak up for yourself (and why it's important)
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