Do you have a fear of abandonment? Here's how to cope
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
If you often feel terrified that people you love will leave you, you may have a fear of abandonment. Explore 8 ways to cope with this fear and build stronger connections.
There are no two ways about it: Relationships can be hard. Any time you combine two people into one life, you’re combining two sets of traumas, neuroses, childhoods, and lived experiences. And when you factor all of that in, it’s just not always easy to be on the same page as your partner.
While disagreements and conflict are unavoidable in most relationships, some people experience them coupled with an intense fear that the other partner will leave them after any small or large challenge. This is known as a fear of abandonment, and it can be extremely challenging.
Those who experience this fear may find that they overthink every interaction they have with their partner and are hypervigilant in observing their partner’s moods, words, and tone.
If this sounds like you, and you’re curious where this emotional layer comes from, we’ve got you. Let’s explore what a fear of abandonment is and why you may have it, so that you can live a little more steadily.
What is a fear of being abandoned?
While some people might think of a fear of abandonment as a general nervousness after a disagreement, it’s so much more than that.
When you have a healthy attachment style, you can have an argument with your partner and feel confident that you’ll resolve it and communicate through the problem. But if you have a fear of abandonment, you might find yourself avoiding any and all conflict so you don’t rock the boat.
You may also find yourself always watching for signs that you’ve overstepped, or worrying that your partner will leave you if you’re not “perfect.” This constant hum in your brain can be exhausting and can make it feel impossible to relax in a loving relationship.
Having a fear like this is common, especially if you have a history of trauma, but it’s no walk in the park.
Perhaps you’ve been through several bad breakups, or you had a parent who left during childhood and never returned. This trauma can cause your body to react like there’s a threat, even when there isn’t one.
It’s important to note that if you’re experiencing this fear, you’re not overreacting. You’re just responding to old pain that is enmeshed in your nervous system. This fear is trying to protect you, even if it’s not always helpful.
What causes a fear of abandonment?
Most of the time, fear of abandonment is deeply rooted in your past. Here are some of the common reasons why you might be experiencing this very complicated and human fear.
You childhood experiences
For many people, a fear of abandonment starts in childhood. If your caregivers were physically present but emotionally checked out, you might have felt that. Or if love came with conditions, this could’ve made you feel like you needed to be perfect to be cared for.
Even worse, if someone actually did leave through divorce, death, relocation, or emotional neglect, then you may have experienced actual abandonment. All of these experiences send the message to your brain that love isn’t stable and people leave.
Past relationships
Having a fear of abandonment doesn’t always begin in childhood. Fear of abandonment can be triggered by trauma you experience in your adulthood. If you were ghosted after opening up to someone, betrayed by a friend, or got broken up with in a way that shattered your sense of safety, your brain could remember this and store it.
Mental health and attachment styles
When you fear being abandoned, it can also show up in your mental health. Some people with this fear may deal with anxiety disorders, PTSD, or borderline personality traits. This is because their nervous systems are constantly working to scan for danger.
Also, if you already have an anxious attachment style, you may experience hypervigilance, stress, and anxiety in your romantic relationships and friendships.
Society’s role
Unfortunately, our culture glorifies independence and hustle over vulnerability and connection. This messaging may have led you to believe that needing people is a weakness, that being too attached is cringeworthy, and that emotions should be handled privately.
6 symptoms of a fear of abandonment
When you’re scared someone’s going to leave, you could get anxious and clingy, or you might become incredibly distant. To break it down more, here are some common symptoms of fear of abandonment:
1. You get clingy… and you hate it: You don’t want to over-text or overthink, but when someone pulls back even just a little, your brain panics. This is your nervous system’s way of trying to protect you.
2. You take everything personally: If you spiral after a delayed text or a quiet mood, this might mean abandonment fear is running the show.
3. You push people away before they can leave: Picking fights, shutting down, and ghosting other people first to avoid being ghosted yourself can be a sign.
4. You constantly need reassurance: When your internal world feels unstable, you might look to others to tell you you’re okay, on repeat, over and over.
5. You avoid intimacy to avoid getting hurt: Never trying to get close to anyone or have any sort of intimacy seems like it will protect you from getting hurt, but it also can make you lonely.
6. You react big to small things: Overreacting to tiny conflicts can also be a symptom. This is usually because your nervous system is on high alert and bracing for impact.
How to overcome a fear of abandonment: 8 mindful tips to help you cope
Getting over your fear of abandonment isn’t going to happen overnight, but it is possible to learn to notice when it’s flaring up and respond with more compassion.
If you’re tired of letting your fear control you, here are eight tips that can help you feel steadier.
1. Label the fear — and give it a personality
When your abandonment alarm goes off, consider giving it a name. You could call it something like “Anxious Annie” or “Inner Abandonment Al” — whatever makes it feel separate from your core self. This can help you see it as part of you, not all of you.
What to do: Next time you feel that panicky feeling creeping in, pause and say out loud, “Oh hi, my fear of abandonment. What are you currently trying to protect me from?”
This can help invite curiosity over shame. You could even jot down what it says in a notes app or journal.
2. Build a personal “grounding kit” for emotional freakouts
Usually, when fear takes over, logic leaves the chat. To help anchor your body in the present, consider building a go-to routine so your brain doesn’t spiral into worst-case scenarios.
What to do: Try creating a short list of grounding practices. You could keep it in your phone or write it down somewhere obvious. Here are some examples you could try:
5–4–3–2–1 sensory check-in (five things you see, four you can hear, three you can feel, two you can smell, and one you can taste)
Run your hands through cold water for 30 seconds
Sit down and press your feet firmly into the floor, imagining roots growing into the ground
3. Reality-test the narrative before it spirals
Abandonment fear tends to love to write dramatic stories, but feelings aren’t facts. As much as you can, try to interrupt this storyline by reality checking it with questions.
What to do: When your fear starts, pause and ask yourself:
“What do I actually know to be true in this moment?”
“Is this reaction based on what’s happening right now, or something from the past?”
“How would I comfort a friend if they were feeling this way?”
4. Map your triggers like a compassionate detective
Aim to start noticing when and why your abandonment alarm tends to go off. It could be that your fear spikes after being vulnerable, or during transitions like Sunday nights, or when people seem “off.”
Understanding your patterns can help give you a chance to pause before reacting (the 5-second rule can also help, here’s how), and maybe even help you to try something different the next time.
What to do: Consider keeping a “trigger log” for a week or two. Note:
What happened
How you felt in your body
What story your brain told you
How you reacted in response
5. Create micro-connections outside your “main person”
Fear of abandonment can intensify when your whole sense of safety is tethered to one person. Try to build a wider net of connections. This can help your nervous system relax and not treat every hiccup like the end of the world.
What to do: Start small. Text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while or join a low-pressure online community. You don’t have to build a huge circle overnight, you’re just slowly trying to show your brain that there are multiple people who care and that you’re not alone.
💙 The Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship series with Kate Johnson can help you build a wider net of connections in your life.
6. Build emotional “anchors” into your routine
If you feel like you’re always scanning for rejection, give your nervous system something reliable to depend on. Consider adding routines to your life. This can help remind you that not everything is unpredictable or is about to fall apart, and can signal to your brain that you’re cared for and held.
What to do: Try creating 2–3 small rituals that feel safe and consistent. You could:
Journal for five minutes every morning. (Here are seven tips to get started.)
Play a specific playlist or podcast while cooking.
Start a bedtime ritual like lighting a candle or doing a body scan.
You could also do a bedtime stretch every night. (Here are seven stretches to try.)
7. Talk to your inner kid like they’re real
If a younger version of you had to make sense of some really painful stuff, consider talking to your inner kid. This can help show you that you’re not leaving your little self alone when you panic.
What to do: Close your eyes and imagine the younger version of you who first felt this fear. Say to them —out loud or in your head—something like:
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“It makes a lot of sense that this hurts.”
“I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m not going to leave you.”
8. If you can, get support from someone trained to hold this
Having someone, especially a therapist, who understands abandonment wounds can really help you build security from the inside out.
What to do: Consider looking for a therapist trained in attachment theory or relational trauma. If you can’t access therapy right now, look for other resources like books, podcasts, subreddits, and online groups.
💙 If therapy isn’t currently an option (or you just want more support), Dr. Julie Smith’s Tools for Stress and Anxiety series can help.
Fear of abandonment FAQs
Can fear of abandonment be linked to my childhood?
Fear of abandonment can be linked to your childhood. If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, inconsistent, or came with strings, your nervous system might’ve learned early on that closeness isn’t safe.
Early relationships tend to be the blueprint your brain uses to figure out what to expect from people. So if your inner wiring tells you that the people closest to you are going to leave—even when everything seems fine—it’s probably not about the present moment. It’s about your old survival patterns.
How do people with abandonment issues act?
Not everyone with abandonment issues is going to act the same. In general, people who experience this fear usually try to protect themselves from pain in whatever way feels safest for them.
Some common ways people do this are:
Clinginess or complete emotional shutdown.
Hyper-attentiveness and trying to manage every moment of closeness.
Complete detachment to avoid the pain of getting hurt.
Over-apologizing and second-guessing everything you say.
Picking fights to feel in control.
Ghosting people before they can ghost you.
If you’re experiencing fear of abandonment, it’s important to note that these patterns are not flaws — they’re coping strategies.
What attachment style is associated with fear of abandonment?
Typically, anxious attachment is associated with fear of abandonment. For people with this style, closeness feels amazing, but the moment someone pulls back (or you think they might), panic sets in.
People with anxious attachment usually crave deep connection but feel constantly unsure it will last. They tend to overanalyze, seek regular reassurance, and struggle with self-soothing. That said, it can still show up in people with avoidant attachment styles as well.
But your attachment style isn’t fixed, and it’s possible they can shift with a little self-awareness, support, and care.
Can therapy help with abandonment issues?
Therapy isn't a magic solution for someone with abandonment issues, but it can be one of the safest places to explore where your fear comes from, how it shows up, and what to do with it when it presents itself.
Most of the time, a good therapist will help you get to the root of your fear and teach you how to regulate your emotions, build self-trust, and form more secure connections.
If therapy isn’t accessible for you right now, consider self-guided resources like books or support groups. These options are still incredibly valid and can be very helpful places to start.
How can I support a partner who has a fear of abandonment?
If your partner struggles with a fear of abandonment, they might need a little extra reassurance or clarity, but that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing them. As much as possible, try to be patient, consistent, and empathetic.
Let them know you’re not going anywhere, but also set boundaries that protect your emotional space. Encouraging them to explore therapy or other support can also help. Most of all, try to remind yourself that loving someone with abandonment issues means showing up with kindness when they’re scared, and not confirming their fears by disappearing without any notice.
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