What is a masochist? Plus, 7 signs you might be one

Mental Health

Oct 22

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Masochism can come with a lot of stereotypes, and not everyone knows the whole picture. Discover what a masochist is, common traits, and 9 tips for finding balance.

You might have heard a friend joke by saying something like, “I must be a masochist for putting up with this,” after a brutal workout or relishing in first date anxiety week after week. Or maybe you’ve seen the word referenced online or in movies and have always wondered what it really meant.

The word “masochist” often shows up in memes or in casual conversation, and it may even nod toward a person’s sexual preferences. But masochism, like most words, phrases, or diagnoses that become mainstream, is more than a punchline. It’s a complex experience that can show up in subtle and surprising ways.

At its core, masochism is about finding some kind of satisfaction—whether that’s emotional, psychological, or even physical—in discomfort. For some people, that’s pushing their bodies at the gym to revel in the soreness, or laughing at their own misfortunes or embarrassment. For others, masochism can show up in relationships or in patterns of self-criticism that you can’t just laugh off.

Understanding what a masochist really is helps clear away the stereotypes and bring awareness to this term and all that comes with it. And, despite what you may have heard, masochism isn’t always unhealthy, and it isn’t always sexual. Let’s explore the traits of a masochist and the signs you might know one (or be one).

What is a masochist?

A masochist is someone who experiences a sense of satisfaction, relief, or even pleasure from situations that involve discomfort, struggle, or pain. The term originated in the late 1800s, named after writer Chevalier Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose novels described characters getting fulfillment from submission and suffering.

In psychology, masochism has both clinical meaning and an everyday explanation. Clinically, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) recognizes sexual masochism disorder when someone’s urges or behaviors cause significant distress or harm.

Outside of that particular context, masochism can describe personality traits or behaviors that aren’t inherently unhealthy but skew more toward discomfort. Some examples include choosing more challenging experiences, joking about your own hardships, or finding meaning in struggle.

It’s also worth noting that masochism, like most disorders, exists on a spectrum. Some people might count it as an occasional preference or playful personality trait. While others may feel it’s a central part of their identity or a pattern that interferes with their wellbeing. Recognizing where you fall on that spectrum is less about labeling yourself and more about understanding what feels supportive for you versus what causes harm.

Types of masochism

Masochism isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. It can show up in different ways, depending on context. And there are several different types.

Sexual masochism: This is the most commonly recognized type, where someone derives arousal from experiences of pain, humiliation, or submission in a consensual setting. It’s important to emphasize the word consensual, as many people enjoy BDSM dynamics in healthy, safe ways. It becomes a clinical concern only if urges cause distress or harm outside of agreed boundaries.

Emotional or psychological masochism: This form doesn’t necessarily involve physical pain. Instead, it might look like repeatedly entering relationships where you feel undervalued, seeking out criticism, or downplaying your successes. Often, the emotional intensity provides a sense of familiarity or validation that you may end up seeking, even if it’s painful to experience.

Non-sexual physical masochism: Some people find meaning or release in pushing their own physical limits. Some examples may include running and training for marathons, engaging in intense workouts, or enduring difficult challenges just for the thrill of it. While these behaviors aren’t inherently problematic, they can become risky if driven by self-punishment rather than passion or growth.

Social masochism: This form involves putting yourself in positions where embarrassment, rejection, or humiliation are likely and sometimes even intentional. Picture, engaging in self-deprecating humor, volunteering for overly difficult tasks, or stepping into roles where failure seems inevitable.

What are the common traits of a masochist?

Masochistic traits are the underlying tendencies that shape how someone experiences discomfort, challenge, or intensity. They’re more like personality patterns than specific actions, and they may not always be obvious to others.

These traits aren’t inherently bad either. Persistence and resilience, for instance, are qualities many people admire, but the difference lies in motivation. Was the discomfort chosen freely, and does it add value to the experience? Or does this stem from self-punishment, shame, or unworthiness?

Some common masochistic traits include:

Comfort in discomfort: Situations that feel difficult for most people can bring a strange sense of familiarity or calm
Persistence through pain: A high tolerance for physical, mental, or emotional hardship
Seeking intensity: Preferring big feelings, dramatic environments, or high-stakes dynamics over calm or ease
Self-deprecating mindset: Viewing oneself through a critical lens and sometimes using humor to soften it
Minimizing needs: Prioritizing other people’s wants or expectations over personal wellbeing
Linking pain with meaning: Believing that struggle is a prerequisite for growth, closeness, or worth

7 signs you might be a masochist

Signs of certain personality traits are defined as the outward expressions or specific behaviors, or patterns that manifest in everyday life. They are the ways masochistic tendencies show up in relationships, work, or personal choices. It’s important to remember that noticing these signs in some of your behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean you have a disorder or that something is “wrong.”

Some possible signs of masochism include:

1. Gravitating toward unbalanced relationships: Repeatedly connecting with people who undervalue or criticize you

2. Pushing past healthy limits: Going beyond exhaustion in work, exercise, or projects, as if the act of suffering itself proves your worth

3. Discounting ease: Believing that success or intimacy only “counts” if it comes after struggle

4. Using humor at your own expense: Making yourself the butt of the joke to mask vulnerability or deflect attention

5. Choosing intensity over steadiness: Feeling restless in calm situations and chasing high-pressure or dramatic environments

6. Ignoring personal needs: Putting others’ comfort first, even when it leaves you depleted

7. Finding familiarity in criticism: Criticism stings but also feels grounding or “normal,” while praise may be harder to accept

How to cope with masochism: 9 tips to find balance

Masochism isn’t a personality trait that needs to be erased or hidden. Instead, it’s often about channeling the traits in ways that feel safe, meaningful, and sustainable. Try these tips to maintain balance and also nurture your traits with kindness and care.

1. Clarify your “why” before the “what”

When you choose something challenging, pause to notice why. Are you reaching for growth, strength, or connection? Or are you slipping into self-punishment?

Signing up for a half-marathon because you want a sense of achievement is very different from pushing through injury because you feel you “deserve the pain”. Naming your motivation helps you make more conscious choices.

2. Build safe containers for intensity

If you crave big feelings, choose outlets where the intensity you’ll experience has structure and boundaries. Endurance sports, martial arts, theater, and even consensual BDSM all create frameworks for pushing limits without losing safety, depending on your type of masochism.

The key to these experiences is that there are rules, recovery time, and people looking out for you. If an activity consistently asks you to ignore red flags like dizziness, panic, or emotional overwhelm, it’s not safe for you and therefore should be avoided.

3. Balance challenge with recovery

Every demanding choice needs a recovery plan. After a hard workout, recovery might look like stretching, hydration, and rest. After a difficult conversation, it could be a calming walk or a quiet check-in with a friend.

Think of it as building your own aftercare, or structured comfort to help your body and mind reset. Without it, the highs of intensity can often crash into the lows of exhaustion.

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4. Strengthen your ability to receive

Masochists often find criticism easier to absorb than kindness, as praise can feel suspicious or undeserved. Practice saying, “Thank you, I’ll accept that,” when someone offers a compliment, even if it feels awkward at first.

You might also choose to keep a running list of compliments you receive in your phone to reflect on when you need them. Over time, this helps balance the internal struggle between comfort and discomfort.

5. Set clear relational boundaries

If you tend to get pulled into toxic relationships where you’re criticized or overlooked, practicing boundaries can help shift the dynamic. Start small by saying something like, “I’m not okay with jokes at my expense. Please stop.” And remind people as often as necessary, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. Instead, they’re about making room for relationships that feel both challenging and supportive while centering the most important person involved — you.

6. Reframe the worth-struggle mindset

Many people with masochistic personality traits or patterns believe that taking the easy route is lazy and that only struggle should be praised. This simply isn’t true. To challenge this false idea, purposefully choose the easy route once a day.

You can take the elevator instead of the stairs, buy pre-cut veggies at the grocery store, or ask for help when someone offers. Notice any guilt that comes up by simply lightening your load, and remind yourself that rest isn’t laziness — it’s fuel. Over time, these actions help you separate the effort you put forth into a reflection on your worth.

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7. Create a minimums list for care

On high-intensity days, you may not manage your ideal self-care routines, but you can stick to your minimums. A practical list might include drinking two bottles of water, eating one real, balanced meal, getting at least seven hours of sleep, and spending ten minutes outside.

Minimums help prevent burnout when your tendency is to push through everything.

8. Track your triggers and patterns

A short reflection log can help you see when certain choices you make are conscious versus when ones are more compulsive. To effectively chronicle this, make note of the situation, what you felt pulled to do, what need it seemed to meet (relief, control, connection), and what alternative you tried, if applicable.

Over time, patterns may emerge, which can help you tell when discomfort is serving you and when it’s keeping you stuck.

9. Know when to reach for professional support

If masochistic tendencies cause harm, feel uncontrollable, or lead to shame and isolation, professional support may be needed.

Therapists who are trauma-informed or kink-aware can provide a nonjudgmental space to unpack patterns and explore healthier ways to meet your needs. Reaching out to a therapist isn’t about “fixing” yourself. Remember, nothing is broken. Working with a professional is more about building a wider toolkit so you have options beyond struggle.

What is a masochist FAQs

What is a sadist vs masochist?

A sadist is someone who experiences pleasure from causing discomfort, pain, or humiliation to someone else, while a masochist experiences pleasure from receiving the discomfort, pain, or humiliation. These dynamics often get discussed together, particularly in the context of BDSM, where both partners can play out consensually and safely.

It’s important to note that sadism and masochism are not inherently abusive or unhealthy when practiced with consent, boundaries, and mutual respect. Some people even identify with both roles depending on the situation — this is sometimes referred to as being a “switch.”

Can you be a masochist without realizing it?

Yes. Many people engage in masochistic behaviors without naming them as such. This might look like repeatedly choosing high-stress jobs, joking about their own failures, or staying in relationships where criticism is common.

Because these patterns can feel familiar or even comforting, it’s easy not to recognize them as masochistic. Awareness often comes when someone reflects on their habits — either in therapy, through journaling, or after noticing repeated cycles that don’t serve their wellbeing.

What are examples of non-sexual masochism?

Non-sexual masochism can show up in many everyday behaviors. Some people push themselves through punishing workouts because they find the struggle meaningful. Others thrive in high-pressure environments, like working 80-hour weeks or signing up for endurance events that most would avoid.

Even self-deprecating humor can be a form of social masochism. The key is that the satisfaction doesn’t come from pleasure in the traditional sense, but from the challenge, intensity, or release that discomfort brings.

Is masochism considered a mental illness?

Masochism itself is not considered a mental illness. In clinical psychology, the DSM-5 recognizes sexual masochism disorder, which applies only when someone’s urges or behaviors cause significant distress or harm to themselves or others.

Most people with masochistic tendencies do not meet that threshold. In fact, many engage in masochistic behaviors as part of healthy, consensual sexual expression or as personality traits that don’t interfere with daily life. The distinction comes down to impact. When patterns create suffering or risk, professional support may be helpful.

How to cope with being a masochist?

Coping is less about erasing masochistic tendencies — but about finding balance with them. Some people benefit from channeling their desire for challenge into safe outlets like athletics, art, or consensual role play. Others find it helpful to reflect on the difference between chosen discomfort (like running a marathon) and compulsive discomfort (like staying in harmful relationships).

Building a support network, practicing aftercare after intense experiences, and working with a therapist can all provide structure and safety. If masochistic patterns leave you feeling ashamed, isolated, or out of control, reaching out for professional help can make space for new, healthier ways to meet those same needs.

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masochism

Calm Editorial Team