Sadism vs masochism: how to spot the differences

Mental Health

Dec 23

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Sadism and masochism often get confused, but there are key differences. We’ll break down their signs, causes, and what they can mean for your wellbeing.

Maybe you’ve heard someone jokingly call a friend a “masochist” for signing up for yet another marathon, or a “sadist” for leading a brutal workout. These terms show up casually in everyday conversations, but they’re often exaggerations, and rarely with much context. Beyond the slang, though, sadism and masochism have real psychological and sexual meanings that are often misunderstood.

The truth is, these concepts aren’t simply about cruelty or suffering. They exist on a spectrum of human behavior and experience, and can be shaped by personality, environment, and even biology. For some people, sadistic or masochistic tendencies show up in small, everyday ways, like finding satisfaction in discomfort or seeking control in a dynamic. For others, they play a role in sexual identity, intimacy, or expression. And in certain cases, these patterns can become distressing or interfere with emotional wellbeing.

We’ll break down what the terms sadism and masochism mean, where they come from, and how they show up in different parts of life, from relationships to mental health. In this way, you’ll be able to better understand yourself, your relationships, and the language we often use without thinking.

Sadism vs masochism: what’s the difference?

Sadism and masochism are often mentioned together, but they describe two different (and sometimes opposite) experiences. At their simplest, here’s the difference:

Sadism is about finding satisfaction in another person’s discomfort.
Masochism is about finding satisfaction in your own discomfort.

The discomfort isn’t always physical, either. It can include embarrassment, submission, or emotional strain. In terms of satisfaction, that might appear as amusement, relief, power, or sexual arousal.

It’s also important to note that both sadism and masochism exist on a spectrum. On the lighter end, you might see them in everyday behaviors, like someone laughing when a rival loses, or joking that they love difficult challenges. On the more intense end, however, sadism and masochism can involve sexual practices or deeper psychological patterns.

Clinically, these traits are only considered a problem when three conditions come into play:

Lack of consent: One or more people are not willing participants.
Harm or distress: The behavior causes injury, suffering, or ongoing psychological pain.
Impairment: The traits interfere with someone’s ability to live well or maintain relationships.

What is sadism?

Sadism takes its name from the Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French writer whose works combined eroticism and cruelty. In psychology, sadism refers to finding pleasure in another person’s discomfort, whether that shows up as humor, dominance, or sexual arousal.

Sadism can appear in different ways. Some people engage in everyday sadism, like enjoying competitive teasing or dark humor. Others may experience sexual sadism, where arousal is tied to inflicting pain or humiliation. There are also sadistic personality traits, where aggression and control consistently shape interactions with others.

Not all sadism is destructive, though. It becomes concerning only when it’s non-consensual, causes distress, or undermines relationships.

6 reasons someone may be a sadist

There isn’t one simple reason why someone might show sadistic traits. Research points to a mix of influences—like personality, life experiences, learned patterns, and even biology—that can shape how these tendencies show up.

The list below highlights possible factors that may contribute, although you should know they don’t apply to everyone, and they can often overlap in complex ways.

Personality traits: People with strong dominance and competitiveness or lower empathy may naturally gravitate toward behaviors that feel powerful at another’s expense.
Early experiences: Growing up around aggression or harsh discipline can normalize using control or discomfort to relate to others.
Reinforcement through reaction: If teasing or provoking consistently earns attention, laughs, or compliance from others, the behavior can become rewarding and more likely to be repeated.
Sexual conditioning: For some, arousal becomes linked to inflicting pain or asserting dominance. Repetition can make control or power a core part of desire.
Coping with vulnerability: Dominance or cruelty may act as a shield against insecurity, helping the person inflicting the sadistic behavior mask feelings of weakness or lack of control.
Biological and neurological factors: Biology may play a part, too, though research in this area is still developing. Some studies suggest that aggressive behavior can activate brain reward pathways, which might explain why dominance or cruelty can feel satisfying.

What is masochism?

Masochism is named after Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, a 19th-century Austrian writer who often depicted his characters as deriving pleasure from suffering. In psychology, masochism refers to gaining satisfaction (whether that’s emotional, sexual, or psychological) from experiencing discomfort yourself.

Like sadism, it shows up in different forms. Everyday masochism might look like overcommitting, staying in draining situations, or joking about loving stress.

Sexual masochism involves arousal linked to pain, humiliation, or submission. Pathological masochism occurs when self-punishment or suffering becomes a primary coping strategy and causes significant distress.

Again, masochism isn’t automatically unhealthy. It’s only a clinical concern when it crosses into non-consent, persistent distress, or major disruptions to one’s wellbeing.

6 reasons someone may be a masochist

Masochistic tendencies don’t come from a single source, either. Instead, studies suggest that they can grow out of a combination of personality traits, past experiences, conditioning, and biological responses.

Here’s a list of some of the influences that may play a role, although they look different for each person and situation.

Personality traits: People who are highly sensitive, self-critical, or eager to please may slip into patterns of self-sacrifice or endurance.
Early experiences: If love or approval were tied to obedience or punishment, care may feel inseparable from suffering.
Reinforcement through relief: Pushing through struggle often brings release or validation, reinforcing the idea that pain leads to comfort or attention.
Sexual conditioning: For some, arousal becomes paired with receiving pain, surrender, or humiliation. Over time, these links can shape adult preferences.
Coping with control: Surrendering can bring relief to people who often carry a lot of responsibility. This allows masochism to offer safety in letting go.
Biological and neurological factors: Biology may also play a role here. Pain can release endorphins and other natural chemicals that reduce stress or create calm, which may explain why discomfort feels rewarding for some people.

How sadism and masochism can impact your mental health (and how to cope)

Sadism and masochism can both exist in healthy, consensual ways. But they can become harmful if they create guilt, distress, or unsafe dynamics. The difference lies in consent, impact, and whether these behaviors align with your values.

Sadism

Sadistic traits can sometimes create conflict, particularly if humor or competitiveness slips into cruelty. Some people also wrestle with shame if their urges feel wrong or judged in society, or with guilt if they clash with personal values.

In sexual contexts, sadism can be fulfilling when grounded in trust and communication, but destructive when it crosses into secrecy, non-consent, or escalation.

Practical ways to cope include the following.

1. Make consent a habit

Clear, upfront communication protects relationships and builds trust. In everyday life, that might mean asking before teasing a sensitive subject.

In sexual contexts, it often means discussing limits, using safe words, and planning aftercare so that intensity is balanced by repair.

2. Check before acting on impulses

A simple check-in, such as saying, “Is this discomfort we’ve agreed to, or something that could cause harm?” can help keep intensity grounded in trust.

Taking a moment to pause allows both people to stay connected, communicate clearly, and protect the integrity of the dynamic.

💙 Learn healthier ways of communicating with the Relationship with Others Series with Tamara Levitt.

3. Find safe outlets for intensity

When emotions run high, having a safe release valve matters. Physical activities like sports, martial arts, or strength training can help you move through tension without turning it inward or onto others.

Creative outlets—like writing, painting, or music—offer another way to process intensity. Redirecting that energy into structured, intentional spaces not only protects your relationships but also helps you reconnect with a sense of control and purpose.

4. Slow down urges

Strong impulses peak quickly, but often fade within a minute or two. Grounding techniques, such as deep breathing, stepping outside, or noticing your surroundings, can help you regain perspective before acting on any sadistic urges.

💙 Need extra support? Press play on Grounding with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

5. Practice empathy

Take a moment to consider how someone might feel once the intensity of the moment is over. A simple question like, “How was that for you?” opens space for honest feedback, and shows that you care about their experience.

Practicing empathy is just a willingness to listen and adjust with respect.

6. Address shame directly

If sadistic tendencies cause guilt or conflict, therapy can help you explore their roots and find safe, value-aligned ways of expression.

Working with a kink-aware therapist can be particularly useful for integrating sexual sadism into a healthy framework.

Masochism

Masochistic tendencies often show up as overwork, overgiving, or staying in unbalanced relationships for far too long. Some people feel like their worth is tied to suffering, while others find comfort in letting go of control through pain or submission.

In sexual contexts, masochism can be safe and affirming with the right communication, but harmful if secrecy, shame, or self-harm take over.

Practical ways to cope include the following.

1. Examine your beliefs about suffering

Pay attention to any internal stories that link your worth to how much you can endure. If struggle feels like proof of strength or value, it may be time to pause and reflect.

Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you untangle these beliefs and explore healthier ways to feel deserving of care (without needing to suffer for it).

2. Set boundaries that stick

Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional safety. When you pause before agreeing to something or offer conditions that work for you, you create space for mutual respect.

A boundary might sound like, “I can help if the deadline moves,” or “I’m fine with joking, but not about appearance.” The goal here is clarity around what you can and can’t tolerate.

💙 Struggling to set your own? Explore A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren on the Calm app.

3. Choose growth-focused challenges

If you're naturally drawn to intensity or discomfort, try channeling that energy into challenges that build you up rather than wear you down. Think: structured goals like training for a race, learning a new skill, or committing to regular volunteer work.

These kinds of efforts offer purpose, resilience, and satisfaction without crossing into self-neglect.

4. Listen to your body

Your body often signals what your mind hasn’t caught up to yet. Quick daily check-ins—like noticing your energy level, hunger, or muscle tension—can help you catch when healthy discomfort starts tipping into harm.

Responding early with rest, food, or hydration helps you stay connected to your body and prevent burnout before it builds.

💙 Get to know your body’s signals with the Body Scan meditation with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

5. Communicate clearly in sexual contexts

Consent, boundaries, and aftercare aren’t just important. They’re essential when navigating power dynamics or physical intensity.

Open conversations about limits, needs, and emotional safety help ensure that any experience involving submission or pain feels grounded in trust, not overwhelm. Clear communication allows both partners to explore with care.

6. Seek support when suffering feels like the only option

If coping starts to rely on self-punishment or thoughts of self-harm, it’s a sign that more support is needed. Working with a mental health professional—especially through compassion-focused or trauma-informed care—can help interrupt those patterns and build safer ways to cope.

And if thoughts of harming yourself feel urgent or overwhelming, reaching out to crisis resources is the safest next step.

In the U.S. dial 988 or text “CONNECT” to 741741.

Sadism vs masochism FAQs

Do sadistic traits always mean something is “wrong” mentally?

Not necessarily. Many people show small sadistic tendencies, like laughing at a rival’s loss in a game or enjoying pranks, without it being a sign of a more serious illness.

Clinically, sadism is only considered a concern when it leads to distress, harm, or non-consensual behavior. In fact, within consensual contexts—such as roleplay, BDSM, or competitive sports—sadistic traits can exist in a healthy way.

The key difference lies in whether the behavior undermines safety and wellbeing, or whether it’s expressed safely, within agreed boundaries.

When should I consider talking to a therapist about sadism or masochism?

If these traits cause guilt or shame (or conflict with your values), a therapist can help you untangle those feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space. Therapy is also important if sadistic or masochistic behaviors interfere with relationships, daily functioning, or emotional health.

If you find yourself pushing others away with cruelty or staying in harmful dynamics because you feel you deserve it, professional support can provide healthier coping tools. If sexual sadism or masochism is part of your life, a kink-aware therapist can also help you explore these desires without stigma, while also supporting your mental health.

Can someone be both a sadist and a masochist?

Yes, some people identify as sadomasochists. This means they find satisfaction in both giving and receiving pain or discomfort. This dual role can shift depending on the situation, the partner, or even a person’s mood. In consensual sexual contexts, many people naturally switch between dominance and submission.

Clinically, being both a sadist and a masochist is not inherently concerning. It becomes problematic only if the behaviors cause distress, involve non-consent, or interfere with either person’s wellbeing.

What do sadism or masochism indicate about mental health?

Sadism and masochism don’t automatically signal a mental disorder. Instead, they can reflect complex interactions of personality, past experiences, and learned associations.

In some cases, these tendencies may highlight coping strategies, like using control to manage vulnerability or using submission to release pressure. In other cases, they may be linked to deeper themes such as self-worth, trust, or early conditioning around love and punishment.

Mental health concerns arise when these behaviors become the primary way a person manages emotions or relationships. In this case, they lead to cycles of distress, rather than connection.

What is the difference between a sadist and a sadomasochist?

A sadist finds satisfaction in causing pain or discomfort to others, while a masochist finds satisfaction in experiencing it themselves.

Through that lens, a sadomasochist experiences both: sometimes alternating between roles, and sometimes blending them. In healthy, consensual dynamics, this flexibility can be a source of intimacy and variety.

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Calm Editorial Team