How to spot contempt in your relationship (and 6 tips to stop it)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Contempt in relationships can quietly erode love. Learn 6 ways to improve communication, reconnect deeply, and create emotional safety in your partnership again.
Maybe you bring up something that’s been bothering you, but your partner exhales sharply and looks away. “Sure,” they say, without really responding. A few minutes later, they make a sarcastic comment under their breath, and the conversation ends without resolution. You both move on, but the silence that follows feels heavier than it should.
That kind of moment can seem small — even easy to dismiss. But when eye rolls, mockery, or emotional shutdowns start to repeat, they could be signaling something deeper, like contempt. Unlike conflict, which can be productive, contempt erodes trust by making one partner feel dismissed or beneath the other. Over time, it becomes harder to speak honestly, stay emotionally close, or feel safe in the relationship.
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You’re definitely not out of options. We’ll help you understand what contempt looks like, why it develops, and how to begin shifting the dynamic toward mutual respect and repair. It’s possible to shift these patterns and rebuild respect, empathy, and understanding in the connection (even when all hope feels lost).
What is contempt in a relationship?
Contempt goes beyond feeling annoyed or having a bad day. It shows up in ways that send a message like, “I’m smarter than you” or “You don’t matter.” It isn’t always loud, either. Sometimes, it comes out as sarcasm, eye rolls, or a sharp tone that hurts more than the actual words used.
Over time, this kind of behavior can make a relationship feel tense, distant, or emotionally shut down. And relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls contempt the strongest predictor of divorce.
It tends to show up when resentment builds without being addressed, when needs go unmet, or when partners stop viewing each other with mutual respect. The longer it goes on, the harder it can be to reconnect — unless the pattern is noticed and worked on early.
7 signs of contempt in a relationship
Contempt often shows up in everyday signs, like a sigh, a smirk, or a sarcastic comment that just lands wrong. Here are some of the most common ways to notice contempt in a relationship:
Eye rolling, sneering, or mocking expressions: These are all nonverbal cues that signal disdain or dismissal. They can say, “I don’t respect you” without you saying a single word out loud.
Sarcasm that stings: Jokes that highlight your partner’s flaws or failures (even in a “playful” tone) can land as personal attacks.
Belittling or name-calling: These are subtle or overt insults that target who your partner is at their core, and not just what they did.
A dismissive or condescending tone: This involves speaking in a way that implies you’re smarter, more mature, or just done trying to communicate with your partner.
Bringing up old mistakes to prove a point: Instead of resolving the issue at hand, contempt reopens old wounds and weaponizes the past.
Withholding affection or stonewalling after a disagreement: Using silence, distance, or emotional withdrawal as punishment after an argument instead of asking for space or addressing the problem.
Feeling morally or intellectually superior to your partner: Believing you’re carrying the relationship on your own creates a power imbalance in the relationship that fuels contempt.
Related read: 5 signs of a toxic relationship (and how to leave one safely)
What causes contempt in relationships?
Contempt doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It often develops when frustrations go unspoken or emotional needs go unmet, especially over long periods of time. It can grow from patterns of criticism, feelings of being taken for granted, or losing sight of the other person’s efforts and intentions.
Common roots of contempt include the following behaviors or feelings:
Unresolved resentment or chronic frustrations: When issues go unaddressed, frustration turns into sarcasm, withdrawal, or passive-aggression.
Feeling emotionally superior or morally right: Seeing yourself as more capable or mature than your partner often leads to subtle disrespect.
Loss of admiration and appreciation: Without regular acknowledgment, partners stop seeing each other’s effort or worth.
Emotional burnout or overwhelm: Chronic stress or exhaustion makes it easy to snap or view your partner as part of the problem.
Learned behavior or family dynamics: If contempt was modeled in your family, it can surface automatically in your own relationship.
What happens after contempt creeps into a relationship?
When contempt becomes part of the relationship dynamic, the emotional tone shifts, and it becomes harder to be vulnerable. Conflict either escalates more quickly or gets avoided altogether, and affection feels forced or disappears. What used to be small annoyances start to feel like evidence of a deeper disconnect.
Here are a few ways contempt often impacts relationships over time:
Emotional openness shuts down: Conversations start to feel risky, so both partners hold back or go on the defense.
Communication turns reactive or avoidant: Instead of curiosity, there’s sarcasm. Instead of collaboration, there’s silence or blame.
Both people feel alone: The partner receiving contempt may feel belittled or rejected, while the one expressing it may feel unseen, overworked, or exhausted.
Physical and emotional intimacy suffer: When emotional safety is gone, physical closeness often goes with it.
The relationship feels like a standoff: You stop feeling like teammates and start feeling like opponents.
How to repair contempt in relationships: 6 ways to rebuild respect
Contempt doesn’t mean your relationship is automatically over, but taking steps to fix it is key to rebuilding. If both partners are open to reflection, repair, and trying new ways of relating, it’s absolutely possible to rebuild mutual respect and connection.
It starts with realizing that you have to create a different emotional climate: one where kindness is safe again, and where both people feel seen, not judged. Here are some approachable ways to start.
1. Practice small, daily appreciation
Contempt thrives when people feel unacknowledged or taken for granted. Even a simple “thank you” or a quick compliment can shift the emotional tone of a relationship.
These small gestures may not solve deeper issues, but they create moments of warmth that help counter resentment. A tiny expression of gratitude can also soften defensiveness and slowly rebuild trust.
How to do it:
Name one thing you notice and appreciate about your partner, even if things still feel tense.
Be specific. “Thanks for making dinner even though I know you were tired,” hits differently than simply “Thanks for dinner.”
If you’re on the receiving end of contempt, offering appreciation might feel counterintuitive. But if the moment feels safe, acknowledging your partner’s effort (even if small) can gently shift the emotional dynamic. You are leading by example.
💙 For some extra help, explore the Relationship with Others Series with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.
2. Shift from blame to vulnerability
Contempt often masks hurt, like feeling ignored, let down, or overwhelmed. But instead of saying “I’m struggling,” people often allow it to come out in behavior such as eye rolls, criticism, or sarcasm.
Naming the real emotion underneath takes courage, but it also creates space for connection. Saying something like, “I felt alone when that happened” is disarming in a way that blame never is. It invites understanding instead of defensiveness and starts to change the tone of the conversation.
How to do it:
Use “I” statements that speak from your experience, not about your partner’s flaws.
Instead of “You never listen,” try, “I feel invisible when I’m talking, and it feels like I’m not being heard.”
This might feel risky at first, especially if contempt has been in play for a while. But real connection starts with honesty about what you’re feeling.
Related read: How to build emotional safety in all of your relationships
3. Name the contempt when it happens
Contempt can become automatic, slipping into conversations without anyone noticing. But naming it can interrupt the pattern in real time.
The key is in tone. Be calm, curious, and grounded. A gentle nudge can make space for repair before things spiral.
How to do it:
When you notice contempt showing up (like a tone, an eye-roll, or a sarcastic jab), name it without shame. Say something like, “Hey, that felt a little sharp. Can we pause?”
Keep your tone calm and curious, not accusatory. You’re not calling them out specifically. Instead, you’re calling attention to the moment so that you can both do better in the future.
4. Build emotional check-ins before things explode
Contempt usually shows up late, after unspoken stress, missed signals, and unresolved tension. Regular emotional check-ins help catch those feelings earlier.
This doesn’t mean long, dramatic talks every night. Just a simple “How are we doing?” or “Anything on your mind?” can go a long way. Making space for low-stakes honesty keeps issues manageable, and also helps prevent the kind of buildup that turns into resentment.
How to do it:
Set aside 10–15 minutes a couple of times a week to check in and connect, even if there are no overarching issues.
Ask questions like, “How have we been feeling in the relationship lately?” or “Is there anything we’ve been holding in that needs airtime?”
You can use prompts if it feels awkward, like speaking up about something you appreciated about your partner that week or an issue that felt hard for you to manage.
💙 If you’re having trouble connecting, try the Supportive Listening meditation with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.
5. Create rituals of kindness and connection
When contempt creeps in, relationships can start to feel cold or transactional. Small, consistent rituals, like a morning hug, a shared coffee, or checking in before bed can bring back a sense of safety and care.
These don’t have to be big or time-consuming. What matters most is predictability and the intention behind them. These actions remind both people that they’re on the same team, even when things feel hard.
How to do it:
Start small: a hug when you wake up, a good night text even after a rough day, or a 30-second check-in after work can all make a difference.
These rituals build trust and soften the edges. They show your partner they still matter, even when things aren’t perfect.
💙 Need a little extra support? Press play on Defuse Stress with Kindness with Jeff Warren on the Calm app.
6. Seek support if the cycle feels stuck
If contempt keeps showing up—even with effort and care—it might be a sign of something deeper. Old wounds, unspoken resentments, or patterns that feel too big to untangle alone often need outside support.
A good couples therapist creates space for both people to feel seen without judgment. Therapy helps to rebuild trust and learn new ways to connect when the old ones no longer work.
How to do it:
Look for therapists trained in evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
If your partner isn’t ready, individual therapy can still help you process your experience and communicate more clearly.
Some couples can also benefit from structured relationship workshops or online programs that offer guided tools for communication and repair if therapy feels too overwhelming for either of you.
Related read: How to have difficult conversations: 11 tips that can help
Contempt in relationships FAQs
What are the signs of contempt in a relationship?
Contempt often shows up in small, everyday moments, like eye rolls, sarcastic digs, or a condescending tone. It might even sound like mockery, or show up as bringing up old mistakes to win an argument.
These subtle behaviors send a clear message over time, and suggest to your partner that they don’t matter. It signifies a lack of respect.
Can a relationship survive contempt?
Yes, but it takes awareness, effort, and a shared commitment to change. Contempt is serious, but not a guaranteed ending.
It signals a breakdown in respect and emotional safety, and repair means unlearning old patterns and rebuilding trust through honesty, empathy, and consistent care. Many couples do come back from it, especially with support.
What are the signs of disrespect in a partnership?
Disrespect sometimes acts as the precursor to contempt. It can look like interrupting the other person, ignoring boundaries, brushing off feelings, or making decisions unilaterally.
These patterns, while less intense than contempt, can still make a partner feel unseen or unimportant. Plus, if left unaddressed, they lay the groundwork for deeper disconnection.
What’s the difference between contempt and criticism in a partnership?
Criticism focuses on behavior, such as “I’m upset you didn’t do the dishes.” On the other hand, contempt targets character, such as saying, “You’re so lazy.”
Criticism, when respectful, can lead to positive change in the relationship. Contempt carries judgment and disgust, since it often makes a partner feel shamed rather than heard. It creates emotional distance and does more lasting damage.
What are communication tips to overcome contempt in a relationship?
First, slow down when things get tense and pay attention to your tone. Use “I” statements to express feelings instead of blaming the other person, and focus on listening to understand (not to win).
Adding small moments of appreciation or check-ins when things are calm can also help shift the relationship from defensive to more connected.
How can couples rebuild respect and kindness?
Rebuilding respect starts with small, steady acts of care, like listening fully, showing appreciation, and being reliable. Kindness shows up in little things: a thoughtful text, being on time, or keeping a promise.
Respect deepens when both partners feel seen — not just in conflict, but in the everyday rhythms of the relationship. Simple rituals like weekly check-ins can also help rebuild that sense of partnership.
Is contempt always a dealbreaker?
Not always, but it’s worth noting that contempt is a serious warning sign. If it’s ignored, it often grows and blocks real connection.
Still, many couples recover as long as both are willing to reflect, communicate honestly, and shift how they handle hurt or frustration. The key is recognizing contempt early on and replacing it with more respectful, direct ways of expressing needs.
Why does contempt develop between partners?
Contempt often grows when emotional needs are ignored, and one or both partners feel unseen or unvalued. It can come from unresolved conflict, lack of repair after fights, or long-term feelings of judgment or neglect.
Sometimes, it can even be a learned pattern from childhood, where sarcasm or criticism was the only way to cope. It might have started as frustration or self-protection, but then slowly became a habit.
Are there meditations for resentment or frustration?
Yes, there are. But note that while meditation won’t fix relationship issues alone, it can help you respond with more clarity and patience.
For instance, mindfulness can build awareness of your reactions, while loving-kindness meditation softens resentment by focusing on goodwill toward yourself and your partner.
Look for guided meditations focused on emotional clarity, compassion, or relational healing — and try them often. Just a few minutes a day can make space between emotion and reaction, which in turn will help your relationship.
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