The real reason you can’t put down your phone

There’s a reason you can’t stop scrolling, and it’s probably not what you’d expect. Learn the real reason why it’s so difficult to disconnect from your devices, and how to improve your digital wellbeing.

Let’s face it, most of us are addicted to our phones. Constantly refreshing emails, scrolling through our socials, or responding to the barrage of incoming texts, we feel glued to our devices.

It’s easy to think that the bright colors, gamified apps, and constant notifications are the culprits behind our device dependencies. But while they do play a part, research has shown that the technology itself isn’t the main fuel behind the addiction. Rather, it's the fundamental need that they tap into: belonging.

The Need to Belong

Nearly every aspect of our lives is organized around belonging to something: schools, work or sports teams, political or spiritual groups and on and on. Belonging grows from a feeling of connectedness with others, and the sense that you are accepted as a part of something. This need evolved because the protection and support that groups gave us made it more likely we would survive. So, belonging became a key ingredient for our mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.

The opportunity to stay connected with our friends and loved ones via our phones is a clear link to belonging, but it’s not the only one. According to the study, belonging also includes a deep desire to monitor others and be monitored by them. Meaning we want to see and be seen, hear and be heard, consider and be considered. Which is exactly what most social networks and apps allow us to do.

Keep refreshing your new apps? This could also stem from the desire to belong. Seeking out news and information could be seen as another way of learning from others and staying updated on culturally relevant information. Which ultimately helps us feel a sense of belonging with the greater community.

Compulsive smartphone use is seen as antisocial, but it’s actually fundamentally social.

The rewards of connecting with, and learning from, others is the real reason we can’t put down our phones.

Healthy impulse, problematic platform

The desire to connect and learn is a good one: belonging is shown to be good for our physical and mental health. And the fact that we want to check our phones when someone is interacting with us is normal and goes to show how much the feeling of belonging matters to us.

The truth is, the digital world can be a great place for connection and belonging. But only to a point.

Because while we can stay in touch with far away friends and family and learn just about anything we want to know on our phones, it can’t fully replace the benefits of in-person connection.

So, like many things in life, our relationship to our devices is all about balance.

4 steps to digital wellbeing

Here are 4 steps you can take to help you find your perfect balance with your devices.

1. Balance Online Connection with IRL Interactions

Online connection is awesome, especially for those who live far away, but don’t let the convenience stop you from meeting up with people nearby IRL. Nothing compares to actual in-person time with another human.

Be mindful of how much time you’re spending chatting with friends online and make it a priority to set up real-life hangs (where you can actually hug!). Think of the extra effort you spend organizing and scheduling as an investment in your health.

🔹 Practice checking in with yourself to know what kind of connection you really need

2. Detach From Your Device

We’re not suggesting you do a full digital detox (though that can be a great practice), but do make a habit of taking space from your phone from time to time. This distance can help your relationships as well as your mental health. This could look like:

Turning off your notifications in the evening
Going on walks without any devices
Leaving your phone in your bag while you’re meeting up with a friend
Having device-less dinners (or weekends) with your family

🔹 It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when putting down our devices. Practice self-soothing to help alleviate the discomfort

3. Practice Digital Mindfulness

Next time you find yourself reaching for your phone, try practicing digital mindfulness. Pause to with yourself. What need might you be trying to fulfill at this moment? Are you looking for:

Distraction
Reassurance
Connection
Humor/Joy
Information

Whatever the answer, ask yourself what is really the best way to meet this need. If it’s on your phone, then proceed mindfully and put down your phone once you’ve met the need. If there may be a better way to support yourself, do that instead.

🔹 Let this Pause Practice help you the next time you get on auto pilot with your phone

4. Use Your Phone Wisely

When you’re making an active choice to be on your phone, rather than a habitual reaction, you take the power back in the relationship. So, use this power for good by making your phone a tool for positive connection. You could:

Follow only people or groups online that feel good. Notice how you feel about the content that comes up on your social media feed and if any accounts make you feel stressed, anxious or "less than”, unfollow or mute that account
Use your phone to check-in on friends or loved ones you can’t see IRL
Join online groups around topics or causes that are important to you and that technology makes it easy to follow and connect
Listen to audiobooks, podcasts, music and interviews that inspire and motivate you

🔹 Learn more about taking back your power with devices

Remember, your desire to connect on your phone is normal. But it’s up to you to shape how and when you engage. Mindfulness practices like the ones above can help you absorb the moments of belonging you find on your phone and let it be “enough”, rather than endlessly (and mindlessly) searching for more. Use your phone as the tool it can be to get you closer to connection. Then get back to your life.

Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life. Calm your mind. Change the world.