21 secrets to getting along with your parents-in-law

Relationships

Oct 10

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Whether you’re newly married or years in, these 21 strategies can help build trust, reduce conflict, and finally make family gatherings something to look forward to.

Comments from parents-in-law usually start small, like a playful jab about your cooking, a seemingly innocent question about when you’re having kids, or a side glance when you mention upcoming vacation plans with your friends. Even if there’s real affection on both sides—and no true intention of hurting feelings—relationships with parents-in-law can still leave you feeling judged and misunderstood.

But just because you experience moments of tension with your in-laws doesn’t mean your relationship with them is doomed. It just means you’re navigating a new family dynamic. Building a healthier connection with your parents-in-law isn’t about chasing some elusive picture-perfect relationship, but instead building real trust, patience, and communication that acknowledges (and respects) everyone’s place in the family.

Here’s what you need to know about establishing a healthy relationship with your in-laws. Including non-confrontational strategies for easing conflict, strengthening bonds, and creating more ease around family gatherings.

Why can relationships with parents-in-law be tricky?

Even in the most loving families, relationships with parents-in-law have a unique way of stirring up tension. Part of the challenge in navigating relationships with in-laws is that these aren’t bonds built over a lifetime — they’re relationships you inherit through marriage or partnership. And they often come with their own unwritten rules.

Here are some of the most common reasons these relationships may feel complicated:

Different family cultures: Each family has its own style of communication, ways to manage conflict, and traditions or celebrations. What feels warm and attentive to one person might feel overbearing to another, like receiving gifts during the holidays or verbal feedback during a disagreement. These mismatched “family norms” can create friction without anyone meaning harm.

Shifting roles: Parents often struggle with how to adjust once their child marries or commits to a partner. It can feel like a loss of influence or closeness, while the new spouse may feel pressure to measure up or protect their independence. Both sides are recalibrating and adjusting to their new normal, which naturally creates bumps along the way.

Unspoken expectations: From how often you visit to who hosts Thanksgiving, assumptions about the “right” way to do family life can create conflict, especially when they’re not talked about openly or at all. These expectations often come from love and tradition, but without clarity, they can land as criticism or pressure.

Stressful life events: Milestones like weddings, new babies, or financial struggles tend to make existing tensions seem even bigger. When emotions are already high, misunderstandings with in-laws can feel like monumental events that you’ll never overcome.

How to improve your relationship with your in-laws: 21 tips for positive interactions

There’s no single formula for creating harmony with parents-in-law. But small, intentional choices can ease tension and build trust over time. These tips are designed to be practical, respectful, and realistic, and can be used in everyday interactions, holidays, and family trips.

1. Start with curiosity, not conclusions

Instead of assuming your in-laws’ intent, like they’re judging you, get curious by asking a low-stakes question instead. You can say, “What does this tradition mean in your family?”

Curiosity lowers defensiveness and gives you real information to work with. Plus, you may get bonus points for being interested in their lives and values.

2. Have a pre-game plan with your partner

Before visits with your in-laws, agree on a few priorities ahead of time. You can discuss how long you’ll stay, topics to sidestep, and come up with signals or a code word if someone needs a break.

You can even make a game plan for specific conversations you know are likely to come up, like talk of babies or ways to manage your finances.

3. Use clear, kind boundaries

Similar to having a pre-game plan in place, boundaries are also crucial to bring with you on visits. They often work best when they’re about your limits as an individual or couple, not their flaws as people and parents.

If, for example, you struggle with your in-laws swinging by your home unannounced, you can say something like, “We’re not available for drop-ins. Can you text first, and we’ll find a time?” This is specific, respectful, and totally reasonable.

Strong boundaries support healthier family dynamics over time, even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment.

4. Conduct time-limited experiments

Conducting mini experiments with how you manage time with your in-laws can help you identify what’s too much and what may not be enough. If your in-laws ask to babysit your kids every Friday, instead of immediately saying yes or no, try saying something like, “Let’s try it for four weeks and see how it works!”

You’re not committing forever — you’re gathering evidence. And you may find you enjoy having your Friday evenings free for date nights or time with your friends, or you may find it to be too much.

5. Be intentional about where you connect and when

There is a time and place for all encounters, and sometimes texting isn’t the best approach for navigating a sensitive topic. It’s okay (and encouraged) to choose an avenue that works best for you.

A phone call may be better for you than a long text thread, or opting to send an email can prevent spur-of-the-moment reactions. Some people communicate better in person or through video chat. Find your preference and communicate your needs.

6. Validate before you disagree, and translate advice into appreciation

If your mother or father-in-law says something that gets under your skin, pause for a moment and breathe. Then, lead with something kind and authentic before disagreeing with their perspective.

If they’re sharing their advice on sleep training for your baby, you could say something like, “I know you care about the baby’s sleep, and I appreciate that so much. We’re following our pediatrician’s plan, so we’ll keep doing that and see how it goes.”

Validation isn’t agreement, but it’s a way to respect what someone else has said without taking it to heart or hurting their feelings in the process.

💙 Explore how Empathy may help you show up as a better family member in Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others Series.

7. Protect the couple bubble

The bottom line is that your partner is the bridge between you and your in-laws. If there’s an issue with your parents-in-law, it’s appropriate for your partner to deliver the message to their parents on your behalf.

Not only does this prevent triangulation, which is when two family members bring in a third person to help reduce conflict by taking sides, but it also keeps your partner’s loyalty to their parents and to you.

8. Schedule small, low-stress touchpoints each week

Short, predictable contact, like sending a photo of the kids every Wednesday or having a 10-minute call on Sunday, builds goodwill without consuming your week.

Plus, consistency builds trust more than occasional grand gestures, so it’s possible to keep the family ties strong with little check-ins and still have time for you.

9. Put a pin in the problem and solve it later

If a gathering gets tense, put a pin in it. You can say something like, “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can we chat about this tomorrow?”

Then, follow a simple problem-solving path when you meet to discuss by identifying the issue, naming feelings, brainstorming options, agreeing on next steps, and debriefing on what worked.

💙 Take time to Clarify Your Feelings Through Writing during this 5-minute exercise with Dr. Julie Smith.

10. Be mindful of holidays, babies, and money chats

Holidays, babies, and money topics often carry history and even identity. It’s important to offer structure upfront to protect your peace. Here are some examples of what that could look like:

For holidays, try saying something like, “We alternate Thanksgiving yearly, but we’re happy to do a shared brunch with both families the weekend before.”
For babies and parenting, try something like, “We’d love help with meals and laundry, but we’ll handle sleep and feeding decisions.”
For money, maybe try, “Thanks for offering money. If we accept it, we’ll use it in the best way for us, so it doesn’t create pressure.”

11. Find something to genuinely enjoy together

It can be helpful to engage in low-pressure rituals that the whole family enjoys. Create positive experiences around trading recipes, gardening updates, playing board games, or gathering to watch a favorite movie or show that doesn’t rely on agreement about big-ticket issues.

12. Repair quickly after a rupture

If an argument happens with your in-laws, a short, sincere repair is often more helpful to the relationship than having a perfect explanation.

You could say something like, “I was short with you yesterday, and I was overwhelmed. I’m sorry for my tone.” Then take time to reset expectations if needed.

13. Use “both/and” statements

Give yourself permission to honor two truths at once and communicate them. You can say something like, “I appreciate how involved you want to be, but we need more notice before visits.” Holding space for both appreciation and boundary-setting softens battles.

14. Watch out for comparing or ranking family dynamics

Try to refrain from making comments that pit each family against the other. It’s best to avoid comments like, “In our family, we do it this way,” as it can come across as scorekeeping toward your in-laws and the family dynamics they’ve built previously.

Instead, defuse kindly with something like, “Different families do things differently. Here’s what works for us.”

💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships with Tamara Levitt.

15. Name and avoid triangling

If a parent-in-law vents to you about an issue they have with your partner, this is a form of triangling (or triangulation), and it’s best to redirect the conversation. Redirecting the conversation away from talking about your partner or encouraging your in-laws to speak with your partner directly protects your role and reduces long-term friction.

Try saying something like, “This sounds like an important topic to bring up with them directly, so I’ll step out of this one.”

16. Increase access over time

If you have a new baby or a new home but still want to appease your in-laws, try increasing their access over time as you all become more comfortable with the new normal. You can embrace short visits at first and extend the get-togethers as time goes on.

Instead of jumping right into having your in-laws babysit solo, maybe they can play with the baby while you and your partner work from home one afternoon. This controlled dynamic lets trust build through consistent follow-through.

17. Offer a structured yes

If saying no feels too sharp, say yes (but with boundaries). You can say, “Yes, we’d love to have dinner on Wednesday at 6pm, but we’ll have to leave at 8pm for bedtime.”

Having these limits in place allows you to enjoy yourself for the allotted time while also adhering to your boundaries and needs.

18. Document logistics, not grievances

Follow up tricky conversations with a neutral recap to make sure everyone is clear on expectations. You can even send a text if you’d prefer.

Try something like, “Confirming that Sunday lunch is from noon–2pm. Remember, no sweets for the kids, and we’ll bring dessert.”

19. Practice generosity when it’s low-stakes

Accept the extra leftovers, admire the garden, and try the family pie recipe. These are low-stakes, low-energy efforts that go a long way, especially with in-laws. Small gestures build a sense of belonging without sacrificing core values.

20. Know when not to engage

If a topic is ongoing and unproductive, you don’t have to continue the discussion. Let’s say there’s pressure to attend weekly dinners you can’t manage. You can be stern, but kind. Say something like, “We won’t be able to make weekly dinners as of now, but if our schedule opens up, we’ll reach out.”

Or if you find you don’t agree about politics, you might say, “We’re finding that continuing this conversation is creating resentment. We’d like to table it for now.”

21. Keep a long view

Relationships with parents-in-law evolve, especially as roles shift due to health changes, moves, or the arrival of new grandchildren. Aim for steadiness, not perfection.

Try periodic check-ins like, “Is our visit rhythm still working for everyone?” Making sure you’re all on the same page keeps dynamics from becoming stagnant.

💙 Reconnect with yourself with this short Emotions Check-in practice to help you reflect on how you’re feeling in the moment.

Parents-in-law FAQs

How can I communicate effectively with my parents-in-law?

Effective communication with in-laws works best when it’s clear, respectful, and steady. Aim for direct language instead of hints or sarcasm, which can easily be misinterpreted. When tensions rise, start by acknowledging their perspective before sharing your own.

Try saying, “I hear that this is important to you, and here’s how we’re approaching it.” Small gestures, like checking in with a quick call or sharing updates, also help build a rhythm of communication that feels reliable without being overwhelming.

What’s the best way to set boundaries with parents-in-law?

Boundaries are most successful when framed around your needs rather than their behavior. Instead of saying, “You always overstep,” try saying, “We need Sunday afternoons to recharge, so we’ll visit another day.”

Clear, consistent wording avoids blame while still protecting your time and energy. Boundaries aren’t meant to shut people out — they create the structure needed for healthier, more sustainable connections.

How do I handle conflict with my parents-in-law?

When conflict shows up, resist the urge to address it in the heat of the moment. Take a pause, let emotions settle, and then revisit the issue with calm, specific language.

Focus on the situation, not their character. You might try saying, “When plans change at the last minute, it’s stressful for us,” rather than, “You’re so inconsiderate.” Keeping the conversation grounded in behaviors and solutions makes it more likely to move forward productively.

Should I talk to my partner first about in-law issues?

Yes. Your partner is the natural bridge between you and their parents, and handling concerns together reduces the risk of miscommunication or misplaced blame.

Share your perspective with your partner privately, agree on how to approach it, and let them take the lead in conversations when possible. This teamwork prevents you from being cast as the outsider and reinforces that you and your partner are aligned.

How do I build trust with my parents-in-law?

Trust builds gradually through consistency, respect, and small acts of goodwill. Show up when you say you will, express gratitude for their efforts, and follow through on commitments. Even small gestures—like remembering details they’ve shared or celebrating their milestones—signal that you value the relationship.

Over time, these steady, dependable actions lay the foundation for trust, even if the relationship starts off on rocky ground.

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Calm Editorial Team