Do you have an expectation hangover? How to identify & cure it in 4 Steps

If you’ve set yourself goals or resolutions for the start of the year and have already abandoned them (join the club!), you may be suffering from an “expectation hangover”. Find out whether you’re experiencing one and learn how to cure it in four steps.

There’s one type of hangover that most of us have experienced, and it doesn’t involve any alcohol. An “expectation hangover” is the disappointment and/or grief that comes up when a desired outcome you had about an event, situation, or relationship isn’t met.

Do You Have An Expectation Hangover?

“Some of our greatest suffering happens when our realities don’t match up with our expectations,” says author Christine Hassler. And this suffering can manifest as hangover-like symptoms including:

a sense of regret
a headache from all the thoughts swirling in our mind
lack of motivation
diminished creativity,
depression in some circumstances

Our brain actually experiences disappointment and physical injuries equally so it’s important to meet disappointment with the same care and attention you’d give to a physical injury.

What’s Causing Your Expectation Hangover?

Expectation hangovers usually come on after one of these three situations.

Something didn’t turn out the way you planned
Ex: You don’t get that promotion you’ve been working towards, you aren’t in the relationship you thought you’d be in by a certain age, or a trip or event you were looking forward to gets canceled.
Everything happened as expected, but you don’t feel like you thought you would
Ex: You do get the promotion and then feel busier and more unhappy, you finally get into the relationship you wanted but you still don’t feel fulfilled, you go on a big vacation and feel stressed the whole time.
Or maybe life threw you an unexpected and unwanted curveball your way
Ex: You get laid off, your relationship ends, you or someone you love gets diagnosed with an illness.

These endings, losses, and perceived failures can bring up all sorts of feelings for us. Like the kind of hangover we get when we drink too much, an expectation hangover can leave us feeling sad, stuck, stale, and unmotivated. Except water, rest, and greasy food don’t really fix it. So, what can you do about it?

Your 4-Step Hangover Cure

Next time you find yourself knocked out with an expectation hangover, try this 4-step cure:

Step 1: Move into acceptance

Try to stop fighting against the truth of what’s happened; spending your time wishing it was different. This doesn't mean you have to like or agree with your circumstances, it just means that you acknowledge that it has happened. A lack of acceptance can cause us suffering, on top of an already painful experience.

Acceptance is hard, we get it. This meditation can help.

💙 For more on acceptance listen to the Daily Jay: What is Acceptance

Step 2: Ride the wave of disappointment (with compassion and gratitude)

Acceptance typically gives way to some tricky feelings. Most of us want to skip over this part but it’s more beneficial to stick with it. Learn to walk (and feel) your way through the emotions in order to get to the other side. It can be helpful to remind yourself that disappointment is like a wave. Hold yourself with gentle self-compassion as you ride the waves until they pass. And they always pass (even if they bubble up again later…).

Tips for feeling your feelings:

You may want to try writing down your thoughts and feelings, which has been shown to help you recover more quickly and improve your overall mental health.
Another balm to the pains of disappointment is gratitude. Studies show that expressing appreciation to others and focusing on what we do have in our life helps us to more easily bounce back from setbacks.

💙 For more support try Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Compassion and the 7 Days of Gratitude Series

Step 3: Diagnose the source

After allowing yourself to move through your feelings, spend some time trying to understand why your expectations fell flat. Ask yourself:

Were they tied up with someone else?
Were they connected to a standard that you set?
Were your goals realistic? It’s okay if they weren’t!

As humans, we’re generally not great at predicting what will make us happy. That means our expectations may lead us to pursue a goal we think will bring joy or contentment, when in reality, it doesn’t. This is normal.

No matter the cause, locating the source of your failed expectations can help you determine if the “let down” was unavoidable, or if you might be able to set yourself up better next time.

Step 4: Manage future expectations

Unrealistic expectations are unhelpful expectations, and we’re all prone to having them at times. Clear and accurate expectations, on the other hand, are useful for making good choices and help us learn from our experiences.

As you move into your next chapter, be kind to yourself, but also be realistic. Stay connected to yourself (and reality) with the following questions:

“Does ______ help me be who I want to be?”
“Does it help me go where I want to go?”
“Is it aligned with what I care about?”

If the answer to any of these questions isn't “yes”, it’s probably an indicator that you need to reassess your expectations.

💙 Explore more with The Spark: Managing Expectations and Daily Calm: Expectations

Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life. Calm your mind. Change the world.