How to help someone with anxiety (and what not to do)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what anxiety can look like in other people and how to help someone handle their anxiety. Plus, what not to do when someone is having an anxiety attack.
If you have a friend, partner, or loved one who struggles with anxiety, it can be challenging to know what to say and how to show up.
What does anxiety look like? 14 signs someone is experiencing anxiety
Anxiety is a widespread condition that affects millions of people worldwide. To support someone experiencing anxiety, it's crucial to recognize both the psychological and physical signs. It's also important to approach the topic with sensitivity and empathy and without judgment. Offering a listening ear, encouraging professional help if appropriate, and simply being there for them can make a significant difference in their lives.
Psychological symptoms of anxiety
1. Irritability: People with anxiety may have a short temper. Small things can easily upset them, which is more about their internal struggle than the situation at hand.
2. Difficulty concentrating: Anxiety can scatter thoughts, making it hard to focus on tasks. This can cause a significant drop in attention span, and can impact how they approach day-to-day activities.
3. Excessive worrying: They may have persistent worry about various topics, often to an unrealistic degree.
4. Feeling on edge: People with anxiety may seem perpetually tense or unable to relax — as if they're constantly bracing for something bad to happen.
5. Fear of impending doom: They may have an intense fear that isn't always linked to a logical source. It can feel overwhelming, as if something terrible is about to occur.
6. Avoidance of social situations: Anxiety can lead to avoiding interactions or events due to fear of being judged, feeling overwhelmed, or having panic attacks.
7. Indecisiveness: The inability to make decisions, even about small or routine matters, because of fears of making the wrong choice can plague anxious people.
Physical symptoms of anxiety
1. Trembling or shaking: This can be noticeable in the hands or legs and is often a response to nervousness or fear.
2. Shortness of breath: You may notice an anxious friend struggling to catch their breath or breathing rapidly.
3. Restlessness or fidgeting: They may have an inability to sit still, pacing, or constant movement can indicate anxiety, especially if there's no other reason for restlessness.
4. Sweating: Excessive sweating not caused by heat or physical exertion can be a response to stress or nervousness.
5. Avoiding eye contact: While not exclusively a sign of anxiety, consistently avoiding eye contact can indicate discomfort or nervousness in social situations.
6. Change in voice: A person's voice may become higher pitched, or they might speak faster than usual when they’re anxious.
7. Muscle tension: Constantly clenching their fists, tightening their jaw, or having a stiff body posture can signal anxiety.
How to help someone having an anxiety attack: 9 tips
1. Listen deeply and compassionately
Ask the person how they are and listen with your full body, and without thinking about how you’ll respond. Practice being totally present. Acknowledge their emotions. Avoid pat phrases like “You’ll get through this” or “You’re okay.” Thank them for sharing their feelings with you.
💙 Practice your Listening skills during this meditation in the Relationship with Others series.
2. Don’t try to fix them
No one is broken. This person may have already done a lot of research and experimentation to understand their anxiety, so hearing well-meaning suggestions may feel like an extra burden.
If this person has been surviving the debilitating effects of anxiety, remind yourself that they’re strong and courageous for facing as much as they do. Celebrate the personal victories when you know they’ve done something especially hard.
💙 Slow the Swirl in Your Mind, a meditation from Jay Shetty, may help those who find themselves spiraling.
3. Let the anxiety be
It may seem counter-intuitive, but let them know they can be anxious with you, that you understand anxiety isn’t something they are choosing, and that you won’t try to talk them out of their feelings.
💙 Jeff Warren’s meditation, Balanced and Present, will teach you to find calm in any moment.
4. Ask what they need
Different people have different ways of managing anxiety. Meditation and breathing exercises, for instance, are helpful for a lot of people, but they may not be helpful for this person. Some people with anxiety need to do something active, like a run or aerobics. Ask what works for them and how you can help.
💙 This Calming Anxiety breathing meditation can help to relieve feelings of anxiety and tension.
5. Keep them company
Trying to get the right support can feel overwhelming. Someone may try different movement classes, therapies, doctors, or meditation practices. Offer to join them, as it can be less daunting to try something new if they have company.
💙 This Replace Self-Criticism With Self-Compassion meditation from the Overcome Stress and Anxiety series can help some people learn to find calm.
6. Understand that anxiety looks different for everyone
Anxiety can manifest as a deep tiredness, but can also cause sleeplessness. It can be experienced as restlessness, agitation, or an inability to concentrate. It can cause irritability for some, and irrational fears for others. Anxiety can also be experienced as frightening chest pains and uncomfortable muscle tension. Let them know you care and want to know about their symptoms of anxiety.
7. Check in regularly
If this person seems anxious when you’re together, ask them how they’re feeling. This lets them know you always have space for their anxiety — it doesn’t need to be avoided, and they’re not a burden. Ask if there’s anything you can do, but remember that sometimes in the midst of panic, it may be hard for them to know what would help. If they aren’t sure, you might offer to go somewhere quiet together or take a walk.
💙 Learn how to Hold Space for others during the Relationship with Others series.
8. Be aware of your impact
Anxiety can be an inner-bully: It can convince people they’re a burden on others. Make a conscious effort to reassure the anxious person. A simple “I love spending time with you” can mean a lot. If you’re going to be late, let them know. Or if you don’t have time to reply to an email or text, give a quick explanation so this person isn’t left to worry.
9. Hold your own boundaries
Take care of yourself, too. This person is likely to feel guilty if they think their anxiety is keeping you from doing what you want. So, don’t let it. Do the thing you want to do and let them know they can trust you to take care of your social and emotional needs. When they are asking for more than you have to give, let them know. “I love you. I can’t talk now, but let’s have a virtual coffee date at 2 tomorrow.”
💙 Explore the concept of personal Boundaries in the Relationships with Others series.
What not to do when someone is having an anxiety attack
Being there for someone during an anxiety attack means offering support in a calm and nonjudgmental way. It's about listening, providing space when needed, and avoiding actions that can worsen their anxiety.
1. Avoid minimizing their feelings
Telling someone their fear is irrational or that they're overreacting dismisses their experience. Avoid statements like "Just relax" or "There's nothing to worry about," as they can feel belittling.
2. Don’t force them to confront their fears directly
While exposure therapy is a legitimate treatment for anxiety, it should only be done under the guidance of a professional. Pushing someone into facing their fears during an anxiety attack can heighten their distress.
3. Avoid expressing frustration or impatience
It's understandable to feel helpless, but showing frustration or annoyance can add to the person's anxiety.
4. Don’t expect immediate results from reassurance
While it's natural to want to reassure someone that they're okay, recovery from an anxiety attack takes time.
5. Try not to overload them with questions or solutions
Bombarding someone with questions about what they need or offering multiple suggestions for calming down can be overwhelming. Keep things simple and give them space to express what they might find helpful.
6. Don’t make assumptions about what they need
Each person's experience with anxiety is different, so, ask how you can help and listen to their response.
7. Don’t ignore or leave them alone, unless they've asked for space
Completely withdrawing support can make them feel isolated or abandoned, especially if they haven't explicitly asked to be left alone. If you're unsure, it's okay to ask, "Do you want some space, or would you like me to stay here with you?"
How to help someone with anxiety FAQs
How can you help your friend who has anxiety?
Supporting a friend with anxiety involves understanding, patience, and offering practical support in a way that's respectful of their needs. Here are some ways to help:
Listen without judgment: Sometimes, just being there to listen can be a big help. Let your friend know you're there for them without trying to fix their problems immediately.
Learn about anxiety: Understanding what anxiety is and how it affects people can make you more empathetic and supportive.
Encourage professional help: Gently encourage them to seek help from a professional, such as a therapist or counselor, if they haven't already.
Offer to join them in activities: Engaging in activities together, like walking, yoga, or meditation, can help reduce their stress and anxiety.
Be patient: Understand that your friend's feelings and experiences are valid, and be patient with them as they navigate their anxiety.
What is the 3 3 3 rule for anxiety?
The 3–3–3 rule is a simple technique to help ground someone when they're feeling anxious. It involves the following steps:
Name three things you can see: Look around and identify three objects in your surroundings. This helps bring your focus to the present moment.
Name three sounds you can hear: Pause and listen for three sounds. It could be the sound of traffic, birds chirping, or the hum of a refrigerator.
Move three parts of your body: Wiggle your fingers, toes, and move your shoulders or any other three body parts. This helps connect you to your body and reduces feelings of anxiety.
How do I help my friend with anxiety over text?
Helping a friend with anxiety over text can be comforting, especially if they're not ready to talk face-to-face. Here's how to be supportive:
Send supportive messages: Let them know you're there for them. Phrases like "I'm here for you" or "You're not alone" can be reassuring.
Encourage them without pressure: Offer encouragement and support without forcing them to talk or do anything they're not ready for.
Share resources: If appropriate, share helpful articles, videos, or contact information for professional support services.
Check in regularly: A simple message asking how they're feeling or if they need to talk can make a big difference.
What are three examples of self-help for anxiety?
Self-help strategies for managing anxiety are important tools that can complement professional treatment. Here are three effective examples:
Mindfulness and meditation: These practices help you stay present and reduce stress. Apps or online tutorials can guide you through mindfulness exercises and meditation.
Exercise: Regular physical activity, such as walking, running, or yoga, can significantly reduce anxiety levels and improve mood.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you understand your anxiety better and track patterns or triggers. It's a good way to express yourself freely and reflect on your experiences.
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