How to calm anger in 13 steps
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Reframe your relationship with anger and learn to manage it with our mental health tips and mindful techniques, including deep breathing and relaxation.
Anger is a powerful (and deeply human) emotion that we all experience at some point in our lives. And while it's a natural reaction to certain situations, unchecked anger can lead to negative consequences for both our mental and physical well-being, as well as our relationships.
Learning how to calm and soften anger is an essential skill that can help us navigate life's challenges with greater emotional intelligence and inner peace.
We’re here to support you with practical strategies and techniques to effectively manage and diffuse anger.
Understanding anger
Before delving into strategies for calming anger, let’s get to grips with the nature of anger. Anger is a response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. It can be triggered by external events or internal thoughts, and it often involves physiological changes such as increased heart rate and tense muscles.
While anger itself isn't necessarily harmful, how we react to it can determine whether it becomes constructive or destructive.
This fiery emotion is an appropriate reaction to injustice, betrayal, loss, hurt, trauma, or violation. It’s essential to acknowledge and honor this fierce feeling so that we can attend to the harm that has been caused. When we deny or suppress our anger we often cause ourselves further suffering. And, when we don’t slow down to find the ground and get clear when our anger is ablaze, we end up hurting others.
So the next time anger arises, here are 13 steps to help you meet the moment with curiosity, manage your emotions mindfully, and inspire a constructive response.
13 steps to calming anger in-the-moment
1. Know your triggers
Understanding what triggers your anger can help you manage it more effectively. Keep a journal to track patterns of anger and note the circumstances, people, or events that tend to provoke this emotion.
Once you identify your triggers, you can work on finding healthier ways to respond or avoid those triggers altogether.
💙 Here’s a short guided practice on exploring anger.
2. Notice where there’s tension in your body
Anger shows up physically in the body. Notice if you’re clenching your fists, tightening your jaw, heating up, or feeling sensations in the belly. You may also notice an impulse to run, fight, or withdraw.
Take some space to be with whatever is coming up for you. While it may be uncomfortable, remember that no feeling is permanent. Observe how the physical manifestations of anger naturally shift and change with time.
Note: Our thoughts often fuel anger, so it can be helpful to notice when you’re caught up in a fury of thoughts and invite your attention back to the body.
💙 If you need some guided support when it comes to checking in with your body, try this five minute Body Scan Meditation.
3. Slow down and tend to the wisdom of your body
Anger often comes with a sense of urgency. You may be thinking, “We must figure this out now” or “ We must get justice now” While it’s important to address what’s happened, our words and actions usually don’t yield the outcome we’d like when we’re still in the intensity of the emotion. So, it’s crucial first to slow down and take care of yourself.
If you’re noticing physical tension, then invite relaxation into that body part. If you’re heating up, place an ice pack on your neck. If you’re feeling the impulse to run, give yourself permission to walk away for a bit and collect your thoughts (you can always say something like, “I need some time to digest what just happened, I’d like to come back to this tomorrow”).
If you’re withdrawing, you might not feel safe, give yourself permission to leave and do something that helps you feel safe and connected (maybe reach out to a friend, meditate or go spend some time in nature). If you feel the desire to fight, find a way to move that energy (maybe go for a run, cook dinner, or do some jumping jacks).
💙 If you’re feeling a lot of tension in the body when angry, try implementing a daily movement-centric practice like Say Goodbye to Anger with Mel Mah.
4. Practice mindfulness techniques and breathe deeply
Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment, without judgment. When anger arises, take a moment to pause and focus on your breath. Deep, slow breaths can help activate the body's relaxation response, which counteracts the physical manifestations of anger. By staying present and observing your emotions without reacting impulsively, you create space to choose a more measured response.
The experience of anger is stressful and takes a lot out of us. Breathing deeply and slowly can help reset the nervous system. Take at least five deep breaths as a way to settle the mind and body.
💙 If you need a good breathwork practice, SOS Breath Work is our go-to.
5. Meet yourself with compassion
Anger is destabilizing, uncomfortable, and painful. Be kind to yourself. Place your hands over your heart and offer yourself soothing affirmations like, “You don’t deserve to be treated like this.” or “That wasn’t fair.” Or, try saying to yourself, “Wow! This is a lot to process and manage. I’m sorry things feel so hard right now.”
When anger strikes, it's essential not to react immediately. Taking time to cool off before responding can prevent saying or doing things you might regret later. Step away from the situation if possible, engage in an activity you enjoy, or simply count to ten before addressing the issue. This pause allows the initial rush of anger to subside, enabling you to approach the situation with a clearer perspective.
💙 Try this 90 second meditation on calming anger.
6. Notice if there are any feelings underneath the anger
Once you’re feeling a little calmer, investigate what else might be going on for you. Sometimes anger can serve as protection for other feelings that may be even more challenging to feel. For example, many of us weren’t taught how to deal with feeling disappointed, so anger sometimes arises to shield us from a deeper sadness. Diving beneath the surface of a big emotion and exploring the complexity of our experience can help inform our next steps.
💙 Try Tending to Anger with Tamara Levitt to help you explore the feelings beneath the surface of anger.
7. Reframe your thoughts
Angry feelings are often fueled by distorted or exaggerated thoughts. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity. Is there an alternative explanation for the situation? Are you assuming the worst? Reframing your thoughts can help you view the situation from a more rational and balanced perspective, reducing the intensity of your anger.
💙 Learn more with The Daily Jay - Expressions of Anger.
8. Give yourself time to respond rather than react to the situation
A reaction happens in an instant; it’s informed by the past and fueled by emotions. A response takes a little longer; it includes the present and is empowered by awareness and clarity. Reactions are more likely to cause harm or bring up feelings of regret. Responses are thoughtful and tend to take into consideration everyone involved and future consequences.
When you’re experiencing anger, it can often be difficult to see clearly and feel your feet on the ground. If you can sit with your reaction and give yourself space to feel the feeling and understand the bigger picture, you give yourself more opportunity to develop mental clarity.
From this steadier, calmer, and more compassionate space, you can then decide how to respond. There are many options at this point, including standing up for yourself, having a tough conversation, creating a boundary, ending the relationship, forgiveness, taking a time out, or seeking additional support.
💙 Here is a guided practice to express your anger through creativity.
9. Move your body
Physical activity is an excellent outlet for releasing pent-up anger. Activities like jogging, yoga, or even brisk walking can help you channel your anger in a productive way, and done regularly, can support in regulating your emotions and managing anger long-term.
10. Use visualization and imagery
Visualization techniques involve creating mental images of calm and peaceful scenes. When anger arises, close your eyes and imagine a serene place, like a beach or a forest.
Engage your senses by envisioning the sights, sounds, and smells of this peaceful setting. Visualization can have a calming effect on your mind, reducing anger's grip on your emotions.
💙 Need help envisioning a peaceful place? Try a relaxing soundscape like High Sierra Lake.
11. Listen to some calming music
Music can be a powerful tool for diffusing anger. When appropriate, listening to calming music can help you relax, or can help diffuse the situation, especially if it’s music that makes you happy.
💙 Need help finding calming music? We got you! Try this 432 Hz Solo Piano playlist.
12. Seek professional help
If your anger seems uncontrollable or significantly impacts your life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with coping strategies tailored to your specific needs and help you address any underlying issues contributing to your anger.
Remember, if you’re struggling with anger, there is nothing wrong with seeking out anger management tools or support from others. We’re not meant to go through the hard stuff alone.
13. Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a potent antidote to anger. When you focus on the positive aspects of your life, it becomes harder for anger to take hold. Regularly take time to acknowledge and appreciate the good things around you, which can shift your perspective and make anger less likely to dominate your emotions.
💙 Looking for a gratitude master class? A Grateful Mindset is our go-to.
Recommended sessions in the Calm app for softening anger:
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